HIGHLANDS RANCH, CO – For the fifth year in a row, Jim and Rhonda Barber compiled a list of New Year’s Resolutions which, despite the couple’s best efforts, will most likely not be kept. The ritual, performed December 31, has been carried out by the couple every year since their marriage in 1993 and no resolutions have ever lasted the entire year.

GLASGOW, ENGLAND – In a demonstration of his intolerance for imperfection, renowned director Stanley Kubrick returned from the grave this week to “re-do the pile of dog shit that passed for my death scene.”

KANSAS CITY, KS – The morning after his debut at the Kelgloss Gallery in downtown Kansas City, local artist Enrich Fellstone lashed out against the residents of the city calling them “Neanderthals that wouldn’t know real art if it came right up to them and fucked their sister.”

NEW YORK, NY – In a startling discovery, The Federal Bureau of Investigators has uncovered what is thought to be a sado-masochist “dungeon” located in the basement of the New York Police Departments headquarters.

WILMINGTON, WY – After years of searching and mass speculation centering around extraterrestrial visitors to earth, a race of alien beings has revealed themselves for the first time at the Wilmington Ramada Inn.

SAN JOSE, CA – After decades of imprisonment, the Peanuts gang has finally been freed. With the recent death of the group’s captor, Charles Schultz, Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus and several others may finally return to their families. Nearly 50 years ago, the children were abducted near their school and locked away in a room located in the basement of Schultz California estate. Schultz kept them there and had them “perform” while he sketched them and turned the group’s misery and depression into one of America’s longest running comic strips.

DETROIT, MI – A simple gift nearly turned into disaster last week, but a little boy’s future remained safe after a selfless and harrowing act from his father. The “gift” given to 3-year-old Travis Williams, almost certainly would have destroyed his future well being and his relationship with his parents had his father, Kent Williams, not acted in time.

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO – In a year marked by the deaths of sports legends Joe Dimaggio, Wilt Chamberlain, and Walter Payton, the most recent professional athlete to pass away is Former New York Yankee outfielder Leslie ‘Shep’ Shepardson, 64, at a strip club outside of Colorado Springs, Co.

SANTA MONICA, CA- Executives at Warner Brothers Studios announced plans earlier this week to make some drastic changes in it’s most popular show, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” The executives feel these changes are “intended to improve the shows already ‘hip’ image, and are exciting in this new direction.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Studio executives from Warner Brothers Studios have announced they will adopt a new affirmative action policy on all projects in the future and those currently in production.