WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump is confused as to why his repeated attempts to pardon The Hamburgler have been met with resistance.

ATLANTA, GA – After attending a workplace efficiency seminar, local Office Manager Morgan LeFreup, is excited about suggesting a number of changes to coworker’s processes.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – The new installment of the Star Wars franchise, Episode VIII, ‘The Last Jedi,’ is still several months away from hitting theaters but rumors about the plot have started hitting the internet.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senate Republicans are trying to push through a new heath care bill that was written earlier today on a bar napkin.

PROVIDENCE, RI – After three years of hearing the same anecdote repeated on a regular basis, Jason Wynn has told his roommate Jordan Zimmerman the story is no longer funny or interesting.

NEW YORK, NY – A new line of pants will be hitting stores later this month that will appeal to a large group of males from all walks of life.

CHARLESTON, WV – Citizens of Charleston are outraged as the local manufactures of Methamphetamine have raised the price of meth 300%.

SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local man Jared Waterton says that he is no longer comfortable in his football-themed man-cave.

ANN ARBOR, MI – The president of the Ann Arbor School District Parent Teacher Association is denying allegations that Russia influenced recent PTA elections.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – For more than two weeks, President Donald Trump has had a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth and it remains unclear if he knows that it’s there.