FARGO, ND – After becoming frustrated with the recent NHL lockout, local man Garry Broderick has told his friends and family that he has “given up on those assholes” associated with professional sports.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is planning changes to the Academy Awards to update the awards and appeal to a larger audience.

SEATTLE, WA – Spokespeople for Microsoft have begun telling customers that the United States government will soon prohibit the sales of Microsoft Windows phones so customers should stock up on the phones now, while they are still available.

“The government is gonna come in to our homes and take away our Microsoft Windows phones!” said Microsoft employee Racheal Gregor.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama announced last week that after his inauguration he will just “kick back” for the rest of his second term.

WASHINGTON, DC – With the presidential election well in the past, most republican Christians are relieved that they can finally go back to being skeptical and suspicious of Mormons.

CHICAGO, IL — Over the past years Consumer Reports has provided parents with a valuable list: the hottest toys for the upcoming Holiday season. Retailers across the country often stock up on the highlighted toys in order to satisfy the anticipated high demand and hopefully minimize the violent incidents that have happened in the past between crazed parents.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The budding romantic relationship between Eddie Freirs and Rebecca Staller ended abruptly last week after Staller revealed her feelings about the iPhone.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Last month the Fox News channel interrupted a series of lies and conjecture to report actual, opinion-free news.

As hurricane Sandy hit the east coast late last month, Fox News broadcaster Jonathan Hunt interrupted a news story about the Obama Administrations plan to destroy the Christian church with real, honest, opinion-free news about the hurricane’s affect on cities.

WASHINGTON, DC – Republican’s in Congress are scrambling to pass a new law before the upcoming presidential election that will allow dead people to vote.

If passed, the new voting law will allow a church representative of the dead to cast a vote on their behalf.

“We firmly believe that all people should vote, even people that are no longer with us. Of course I’m talking about dead people,” said Cory Gardner, Republican from Colorado.

PALO ALTO, CA – The American Red Cross has set up a relief fund for the victims of last week’s mild wind that affected hundreds of wealthy residents in Palo Alto.