New Video Game Fails to Make Local Man's Life Complete

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Local man James Beal hoped the new Zelda video game would complete his life, but it did not.
Local man James Beal hoped the new Zelda video game would complete his life, but it did not.

SALEM, OR – After almost five years of waiting, local man James Beal, 29, has announced that the new video game, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (TOTK), has not made his life complete.

“Man, when they announced the game back in 2019, I was super jazzed,” said Beal. “Up to that point, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (BOTW) was the single greatest gaming experience that I’ve ever had. What other game allows you to do whatever you want when you want and how you want? None! Well, except for those weird virtual sex games but I’m talking about console games. In (BOTW) I bought a house. Helped build a town from the ground up. I know every inch of that place. Let me tell you, it’s nothing short of magical. So naturally, when they announced (TOTK), I figured that this would be the pinnacle of my life. It just makes me so sad that I was wrong.”

Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom was released in June 2023 and features gameplay and mechanics similar to Breath of the Wild but added a whole new set of abilities and enemies. But while the game is vastly different, it still has the same feel, which is one of the reasons that Beal thought it would help in his life.

“I was 100 percent convinced that when the game came out, everything would be different,” said Beal. “I would pick it up on Thursday night, play it all weekend and emerge from my aunt’s basement Monday morning, I don’t know… changed. But when it actually happened the only thing that felt changed was the fact that my weekend diet of pizza bagels and Mountain Dew really fucked my asshole up.”

According to people in his friends group, Beal was sure that with the release of the game, his entire life would change.

“It was kinda sad, really” said Beal’s best friend, Tommy Nilson. “For like the last two years he’s been saying that once the game comes out, he was going to lose weight, get a girlfriend, lose his virginity, get a good job… and any number of other things. I think he actively didn’t do a lot of stuff just so that when the game came out, he could credit it as the reason. But seriously, how the hell is playing the game going to do anything to improve his life? It’s literally him sitting in front of the TV for hours upon hours controlling a little man. I don’t get it, but what am I gonna do? He’s my boy.”

“The second I saw the first trailer for the game, I knew it was going to be special,” said Beal. “I mean, I must have whacked off to that thing about 80 times that first day and no, that is not an exaggeration. My penis had friction burns on it. I’m not even going to get into what happened a few months ago when they released the first gameplay footage. Holy shit, I went through a lot of Gatorade that day. But yeah, this game was going to be the start of things. This game was going to change me, change me for the better. And I’m pretty bummed that it didn’t.”

Despite the fact that the game didn’t improve him in the way that he had hoped, Beal is still intent on playing the game as much, if not more than other video games.

“At this point, I have about 10,000 hours invested in (BOTW), that’s like a year and a half of my life,” said Beal. “(TOTK) is a really great, fun game, so maybe it’s just a matter of me dedicating myself to really putting it through the paces, you know? Maybe from that discipline, the change will come. We’ll see. I’m gonna go play it now and maybe strap a couple Korok seeds to rockets. That’s always makes me feel good.”


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