HOLLYWOOD, CA – With Global Warming becoming the hot topic among television and radio talk show hosts, celebrities have begun using their massive political influence and scientific expertise to help protect and revive aspects of the environment.

ATLANTA, GA – In what many are calling “a gathering of the greatest minds of today,” several well known rappers have been gathered in hopes of establishing a new vocabulary, and more importantly a new set of slang.

DETROIT, MI – To increase subscribers, the driver assistance system OnStar will be unveiling several new features aimed at easing the life of drivers world wide. One of the first new systems to be implemented will be a service to help drivers identify good, out-of-the-way places to bury dead bodies.

LONDON, ENGLAND – Jesus Christ, religious figurehead for millions, will not be returning to Earth this month as was previously scheduled. This latest announcement marks the 11th time Christ has postponed his return to Earth in the past 200 years.

WASHINGTON, DC – Scientists in Washington, DC made a surprising discovery last month that has forced the world to reconsider its stance on global warming. What the scientist discovered appears to be a giant laser on the surface of Mars pointed directly at earth.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – What Republicans across the nation feared has come to pass as the new Democrat controlled Congress unleashed its gay loving, tree hugging, god hating, anti-American agenda on the American public.

SEATTLE, WA – In an effort to improve efficiency and reduce costs, many U.S. companies have begun turning to ninjas to meet security needs. Ninjas, mythical warriors from Japan are in hot demand these days as companies have realized how versatile an asset the ninja can be when used in security functions.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In preparation for the anticipated troop build-up President Bush recently promised the United States armed forces are considering new enlistment incentives to raise the total number of troops available for deployment.

CHANDLER, AZ – After spending the last five years as an avid emo fan, local music lover Jarred Samson, 22-years-old, has completed his crossover to an indie fan.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello all my shining little readers, it is I, Beth Sinclair and boy do I have things to tell you! It seems like forever ago that I got to talk to all my little Beth-heads out there.