PORTLAND, OR – The much anticipated and celebrated 600th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.

I’m here today to give you my picks for the best vacation spots here in the good ol’ US of A.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Local Finance Manager Johnathan Nichols says he doesn’t understand why it seems so many minorities are untrusting of police officers.

CANTON, OH – Several former NFL stars gathered during a press conference earlier this week to announce a new lawsuit against the NFL “because… um… the concussions… and…”

“Players in the NFL face a very real threat to their health due to the NFL’s policies and practices regarding player safety,” said former Dallas Cowboys star running back, Emmitt Smith. “Players who take numerous… um… hits… and… uh… yeah. We… um.”

PORTLAND, OR – Writers for the popular website The Scoop News are in the process of writing a very self-congratulatory story to celebrate the paper’s 15th anniversary.

LOS ANGELES, CA – A new documentary highlighting the danger of babies is causing a series of protests and calls for tighter restrictions on owning a baby.

COLUMBUS, OH – According to reports released by the U.S. State Department, Russian military forces are now poised just outside a local boy’s bedroom in what appears to be preparations for an invasion.

“We cannot confirm how many forces have been staged outside of Timmy Couch’s bedroom, but we can say that the amount appears to be a lot,” said Secretary of State, John Kerry.

LOUISVILLE, KY – Even though he barely understands the rules and has seen only parts of five different games, local man Fred Neal considers himself a soccer fan.

ABUJA, Nigeria – In what is being seen by many as a “last ditch effort” to find the kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls, the United States has committed a new group to aid in finding the young girls.