WASHINGTON, DC – In an unexpected move, the United States Supreme Court has ruled that polygamy will be declared legal as long as certain requirements are met. Among the requirements are stipulations that only men can have multiple wives, the wives must be hot and each wife is expected to service the man sexually whenever he wants or needs it.

LAKEWOOD, CO – Local woman Jenny McClintock is confused as to why Match.com continues to recommend “creepy and ugly guys” as potential dates.

PHOENIX, AZ – Coworkers of Jorge Nunez were amazed to find out that the fine, upstanding young man had at least one tattoo.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Upon leaving a screening of the Oscar winning movie No Country for Old Men, Jim Benjamin and his wife Martha, both 65, announced that they had no idea what the movie was about.

ARVADA, CO – According to neighborhood parents, the mother of Julia DeNovi is a total slut.

NORTH POLE – For the 59th year in a row, Osama bin Ladin will receive a chunk of coal in his stocking. Santa Claus announced the decision during a C-SPAN interview last week.

LAS VEGAS, NV – A recent telethon has gone down in the record books as the worst telethon in the history of televised money drives. The telethon, benefiting the Don Ot Center for Lupus Research did not bring in a single penny during the two day telethon.

LOUISVILLE, KY – The day after The Academy Is concert, Victoria Jorgensen, 22, was terrified to realize that she had accidentally slept with the band’s bass player – mistaking him for someone important in the band.

GAINSVILLE, FL – The newest wedding trend to sweep across America isn’t blowing bubbles instead of tossing rice nor is it giving all attendees cameras to help document the occasion – it’s having a shirtless man in a rainbow wig read John 3:16 during the ceremony.

NEW YORK, NY – Popular vigilante Spider-Man has been arrested for driving under the influence and verbally abusing a New York Police Department Officer after being stopped late last week.