Six Flags Turns Gitmo Into Amusement Park

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An Artist's conception of the new theme park at Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp.
An Artist's conception of the new theme park at Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp.

GUANTÁNAMO BAY, CUBA – Six Flags, Inc, operators of several theme parks in both the US and Canada, has purchased the controversial Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp and will turn the area into a new, family oriented theme park.

The new theme park, tentatively called Six Flags: Gitmo Adventures, will mark the first time a government facility or a prison has been turned into an amusement park.

“We at Six Flags are looking forward to taking this symbol of American justice and turning into something everyone can enjoy, not just suspected terrorists,” said Six Flags, Inc Media Relations Executive Wayne Renue. “We’ll try to keep a lot of the same feel and tone of the camp but we, of course, will let our visitors leave.”

In January, President Barack Obama issued a presidential order scheduling the prison to be closed. Since then, there has been rampant speculation as to what would happen to the facility.

“When we first heard that they were going to shut (Gitmo) down, we knew that we had to do something,” Renue said. “Within an hour of Obama’s order, we had our financial wizards shoot the government a proposal and by the end of the day, we owned the camp. It was that quick. What’s even better was that we swooped in before those bastards at Disney. They wanted to buy it too, but they wanted it to maintain it as a jail, you know, for people who acted up inside one of their parks.”

The main feature of Six Flags: Gitmo Adventures will be a large tower in the center of the park called “The Tower of Tortured, Turbaned, Terrorists.” Inside the tower will be a rollercoaster featuring scenes of terrorists being interrogated for information.

“The Tower of Tortured, Turbaned, Terrorists will be focal point of the park, much like Sleeping Beauty’s Castle is to the Disney parks,” said Renue. “The Tower will really be amazing. It will be unlike anything the world has ever seen. The only thing I could remotely compare it to is that one Epcot Center Ride that goes into the ‘future.’ The ride in the big ball? At any rate, park goers will be strapped into a ‘torture rack’ and transported from scene to scene as terrorists plan an attack on American interests, are defeated and captured, transported to Guantánamo Bay and then interrogated until they tell us everything we need and want to know. We’ll even have an ‘Interrogation Simulator’ that will allow people to ‘interrogate’ terrorists in a variety of different ways.”

Beyond that, Six Flags: Gitmo Adventures will feature all the accoutrements the public expects from a Six Flags theme park. There will be at least seven rollercoasters, some spinning rides, a fairway with carnival-type games and a number of food stands and concession stands.

“In addition to the regular Six Flags flair, we’re going to have a water park section,” Renue said. “It’s Cuba. That place gets downright balmy during the summer. What better way to cool down than taking a ride on the splash-tastic WaterBoard? I tell you, it’s going to be more awesome than anything has ever been in the history of awesome things.”

In the coming months, the transition from detention camp to family-fun park will take place. Six Flags representatives are hoping to have the park at least partially open by January of next year.


this article didn’t mention that park goers will be able to take pictures with naked terrorists stacked up on each other.

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