HOLLYWOOD, CA – The new installment of the Star Wars franchise, Episode VIII, ‘The Last Jedi,’ is still several months away from hitting theaters but rumors about the plot have started hitting the internet.

SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local man Jared Waterton says that he is no longer comfortable in his football-themed man-cave.

LOS ANGELES, CA – After selling over a million copies of her debut album, rocker Terra Tory is looking forward to the new year and is eager to disappoint both fans and critics alike with her new album.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Holy freaking guacamole you guys! It has been, like, forever since I was last able to grace your eye holes with my everlasting words of wisdom!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The investigation in to Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email during her time as United States Secretary of State has revealed more than 80 percent of the emails sent or received by Clinton were Twilight fan fiction and pantsuit catalogs.

“(The FBI) reviewed all available emails and while we found nothing to indicate a violation of any law, we did find a shockingly large number of Twilight fan fiction stories and pantsuit catalogs,” said FBI Director, James Comey.

NEW YORK, NY – Beyoncé has delighted her fans with a surprise release of a new 17-minute song called “Where the Hell Are My Damn Keys?”

CLEVELAND, OH – With ratings falling for the fourth consecutive year, the National Basketball Association has announced that it will make sweeping changes to how games are played beginning next season.

Perhaps the biggest change will be to the overall structure of the game. Instead of four 12-minute quarters, an NBA basketball game will last five minutes with each team starting at 98 points.
<br?
“In recent years, (the last five minutes ) is the only part of the game that people actually watch,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver.

AUSTIN, TX – Occasional film viewer Kevin Mothma has proved his intelligence and sophistication by disliking the new film Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

“(Star Wars) The Force Awakens is shallow,” said Mothma. “The story is so pedestrian. There was nothing there. Just a bunch of loosely tied together action scenes. And the main girl in the movie, whatever her name is, was such a Mary Sue.”

WASHINGTON, DC – During his historic visit to the United States of America last month, the Pope was unable to meet one of his primary goals of the trip – see a football game in all 30 NFL stadiums.

The distance between the stadiums and the fact that most games are played on Sunday contributed to the Pope not reaching his goal.

“Much like God, I am a fan of the American football,” Pope Francis said.

SEATTLE, WA – White women across the country are in a state of panic as Starbucks has announced they will be discontinuing the popular Pumpkin Spice Latte, just weeks before the drink was to go on sale.