DENVER, CO – After recent snowstorms wreaked havoc in cities across the country, God has apologized saying he made the decision to create the winter storms after “half listening to some eight-year-old’s prayer.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – If ratings don’t improve network executives say they may be forced to cancel The Donald Trump Presidency.

MIDDLETOWN, NJ – Former heavy metal guitarist, Ken “Blood Face” Giacomo, has been updating his Linkdin profile for several days but has been struggling to include his experience as a musician.

WASHINGTON, DC – During a joint press conference with the President of Argentina, Mauricio Macri, President Trump said he would like to open negotiations with the fictional country of Mordor.
Although Mordor is a fictional land from the popular book series Lord of the Rings, Trump said that he would be reaching out to the country’s leader to set up some “face-to-face time.”

NASHVILLE, TN – The appearance of a black man in a television commercial frightened white viewers and resulted in more than 270 calls to police.

BOSTON, MA – A sharp decline in the chastity belt industry is being blamed on millennials.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Seeking advice, President Donald Trump has been attempting to call the President from the film Independence Day.
“The President recently saw Independence Day on tv, (Trump) watches a lot of tv, and was impressed by President Whitmore,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

COLUMBUS, OH – Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic are studying soccer players around the world for their unique ability to recover quickly from injury.

DALLAS, TX – The Valentine’s Day holiday can cause panic and anxiety for those looking for something original, exciting and romantic to do with their loved one.

ATLANTA, GA – The internet has been going crazy with speculation that Ya Lun, a Giant Panda at the Atlanta Zoo, may hold the key to faster-than-light (FTL) space travel.