CHICAGO, IL — Over the past years Consumer Reports has provided parents with a valuable list: the hottest toys for the upcoming Holiday season. Retailers across the country often stock up on the highlighted toys in order to satisfy the anticipated high demand and hopefully minimize the violent incidents that have happened in the past between crazed parents.

Local man Reuben Accote is said to be very confused after masturbating to an Olympic Fencing match.

WASHINGTON, DC – After two years of informal classification and diagnosis, the American Psychiatric Association has added a new mental disorder to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – White Male Panic, or WhiMP.

“Let’s face facts, white men are going crazy, in the clinical sense, all over this country,” said APA President Suzanne Bennett Johnson, PhD.

FREDERICK, MD – Last month Treddle signed up for Twitter with the username FuckRogers6969696 and came to regret the decision almost immediately.

New York City, NY – A blogger for the popular entertainment blog EntertainThis!.com thinks that all British television shows are superior to their American counterparts.

SEATTLE, WA – Developers have released some details of an eagerly anticipated video game, the third part in the best-selling “Geriatric” Series.

TUCSON, AZ – The lack of an iPad gift this year has proved to local seven-year-old Gracie Martinez that Jesus doesn’t exist and that there is no such thing as god.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Excitement is building as several new television shows are set to debut in the next several weeks as networks kick off their new fall schedule.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Television actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas has landed the starring role in the next complete Hollywood meltdown.

SPACE, TIME – A petition has been delivered to Father Time requesting that the end of the world, currently scheduled for 2012, be moved forward.