WASHINGTON, D.C. – Thousands of middle-aged white people have scheduled a protest next month in Washington, D.C. to bring focus to the diminishing value of their white privilege.

DURANGO, CO – The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory spokesbear, Truffles, has announced that she has been diagnosed with diabetes due to a decades-long diet comprised almost exclusively of chocolate.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – As smartphones have become an increasingly important part of our lives some experts are growing concerned we may be developing an addicted to our phones.

DALLAS, TX – Local father John Mansinni is slowly coming to terms with the fact that his son, John Jr, is a terrible athlete.

DENVER, CO – After recent snowstorms wreaked havoc in cities across the country, God has apologized saying he made the decision to create the winter storms after “half listening to some eight-year-old’s prayer.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Late last week Elon Musk called in to a radio program to announce that he has invented a new sandwich that will “revolutionize sandwich technology for generations.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump says that he did not steal cookies from the cookie jar and he refuses to acknowledge that he currently has crumbs all over his face and desk.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to reports, White House staff has removed all clocks that mark the turn of the hour with a sound from White House grounds because President Donald Trump gets confused by the sound, asks “who’s there?”, and remains motionless until someone responds.

WASHINGTON, DC – The United States Government has announced a Black Friday sale where parts of the government will be available for purchase at sharply reduced prices.

CONWAY, AR – A local woman has been arrested for allegedly conspiring with Russian agents to ruin her ex-boyfriend’s birthday.