McDonald's Cuts Price of Food But Add New Fees
Published October 2024 0 Comments | Share:
McDonald's will be adding 23 new fees to customer's bills.
CHICAGO, IL – In response to complaints about high prices, McDonald’s announced plans to reduce the price of menu items but add new service fees.
Starting next month McDonald’s menu items will be 20 cents cheaper.
“We heard you and we are listening,” said McDonald’s Franchisee, Freddy Noerlet. “McDonald’s will reduce the cost of our food items! Yes, starting very soon. But… uh… we are gonna add just a couple very reasonable fees. Nothing big, just a couple of new fees that you won’t even notice.”
To offset the lowered prices, customers will now be charged for a number of services including an entry fee, a transaction fee, a packaging fee, and a table fee among others.
“I got the idea for all these fees after overhearing a poor person complain about airline fees,” said McDonald’s CEO, Chris Kempczinski. “Airlines are apparently making money hand over fist right now, and that’s all thanks to all the fees that they have. If people realized it only costs 27 dollars to fly to France but with all the marvelous fees the airlines have introduced, it costs nearly 1,200… brilliant. Just brilliant stuff. So, we are going to steal that business model to make up for the reduction in revenue from the menu rollback.”
McDonald’s and other fast-food companies have seen a recent dip in sales as customers across the country struggle with inflation.
“Nobody is going out these days, and if they are, they sure as hell aren’t going to go get a shitty hamburger at McDonald’s for 18 dollars,” said Harvard Economy professor, Gabriel Peters. “So, it’s a given that these companies are not making the money they were five years ago. Now normal people would re-think their menu and offer better quality for the price. Not McDonald’s. And that is what’s going to bring them back!”
In total, 23 new fees will be added to McDonald’s customer’s bills.
“There are going to be some new fees, but people probably won’t even notice them,” said Kempczinski. “I know a lot of people are going to complain about the fees, but really, it’s the only way that we can survive as a company. Can you imagine what would happen if McDonald’s were to go out of business? Anarchy. Pure anarchy. Banks would collapse, people would riot in the streets. It would be like what happened to Boston in the 60s when Boston Market closed down. It was like The Purge, but with a Boston accent.”
Customers have generally responded positively to the announcement that the menu items will be cheaper but expressed confusion as to how the fees will work.
“So let me get this straight – my Big Mac is going to be cheaper, but there will be other things that I need to pay?” said customer, Declan Reese. “I mean, I’m good with the Big Mac being cheaper. And I guess if I have to pay a little more for that Big Mac to be cheaper, I guess that’s a small price to pay, right? I mean I get it, those McDonald’s CEO’s, they need to eat and feed their families. This economy is hitting us all in the wallet. I imagine that it can’t be easy for (CEOs), having to make these tough decisions. You know, I’ll gladly pay these fees just so that I can make sure that McDonald’s, and their Board of Directors, are not put into any bad situations.”
Several other fast-food chains are considering adding similar fees.
“I’ve talked to several of my fellow CEOs and a lot of them are super interested in what we’re doing,” said Kempczinski. “Old Dean Montgomery over at Arby’s was telling me the other day over a round of golf on Arby’s private island that they were going to start charging customers a ‘Fry Curling’ fee! Can you believe that? It is the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard, and I won’t lie, it made me think about implementing a ‘Fry Straightening’ fee.”
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