NEW YORK, NY – A student at NYU has expressed disappointment regarding his “Occupy My Pants” party that occurred last weekend in the student’s dorm room.

LEESBURG, VA – A local homeless man says that he has developed a plan for balancing the budget and addressing all of The United States of America’s current financial concerns.

LAKEWOOD, CO – As the deadline to make a deal came and went last week, Kevin Garmin, the Commissioner of the Jefferson County Youth Football Association (JCYFA) has announced that the league will be locking out the players for the upcoming season, effective immediately.

The lockout comes after negotiations between the league and the Youth Football Players Association on a new collective bargaining agreement (CBA) broke down.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Television actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas has landed the starring role in the next complete Hollywood meltdown.

SPACE, TIME – A petition has been delivered to Father Time requesting that the end of the world, currently scheduled for 2012, be moved forward.

ANN ARBOR, MI – According to her friends and family, new mother Josephine Montrell is “going a little overboard” in celebrating her baby’s first Christmas.

OLSO, NORWAY – An international team of scientist have finally put to rest any debate about global warming saying that recent snow showers across the globe prove that that the earth is not getting warmer.

WASHINGTON, DC – Although experts have said the recession is over and signs show the economy is slowly improving, 10,130 political analysts were laid off this week.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Students at MIT have succeeded in building a robot with artificial intelligence capable of pressing an elevator button.

ST. PAUL, MN – A meeting held at Enferce, Inc. to cover everything ended with the participants unable to agree on anything.