SEATTLE, WA – At a press conference earlier this week Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and worlds most wealthy human, announced that he has acquired the publishing rights for the worlds all time best-selling book; the Bible.

SCANTON, NC – Religious tensions between Catholic and Baptist organizations have ignited into an all out war this week as a struggle for boycotting rights consumes this nation. At the heart of this strife is a single company so despised, so hated, so not good that the simple mention of its name brings some to outrage, others to kill. That harbinger of doom and despair is Disney.

Every year about this time, hordes of people gather around the water coolers at work and plan their television viewing schedules for the upcoming seasons. But this year, all the networks have delivered gigantic payloads. With so many shows to choose from, we here at The Scoop have decided to let you in on our picks for the new season. So be sure to memorize these shows and plan your future them.

BOSTON, MA – It seems that when tragedy strikes, it usually hits the way the Mob does, slow and painful, like a gun shot up the rectum. This week, the nation mourns the death of yet another Kennedy family member. Milton C. Winestien-Kennedy has died at the age of 48. A wife, Bunny Winestien-Kennedy, and two children, son Harvey and daughter Allia survive him.