KYIV, UKRAINE – Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has formally requested military assistance from the world’s largest army – Taylor Swift’s Swifty Army.
“The people of Ukraine call upon the might and honor of Taylor Swift and her very large army of teenage white girls,” said Zelenskyy. “With the assistance of Ms. Swift and her army, Ukraine can end this war and deliver peace to the people. And I would also like to request an autograph and 10 tickets to the Eras tour, please.”
As the Ukraine-Russia war continues, Zelenskyy has been trying to secure support, weapons, and soldiers from allies. The request to Swift comes after several allies have begun to drawback support.
“Several countries have begun to pull back their support for Ukraine as this conflict has dragged on,” said retired U.S. General, Russell Cooley. “Zelenskyy calling (Swift) is a bold move and if he gets her support then… he will have the largest army to ever exist at his side. Obviously the Swifty army isn’t going to actually fight. They are just a bunch of teen girls with social media addictions, but they certainly will make sure Russia gets put on blast. Do the kids still say that? Put people on blast? What does that even mean? I know that it’s not an actual explosion, but does it actually do anything? I don’t know anymore.”
The Swifty Army is the world’s largest military body consisting of nearly 33 million soldiers. In recent years the Swifty Army has been engaged in campaigns against John Mayer, Katy Perry, Ticketmaster, that guy from that 1975 band, and music executive Scooter Braun.
“The Swifty Army’s last several campaigns have been very successful,” said Swifty Army General, Melanie DuFrane. “Do you know anyone that’s listened to a John Mayer or Katy Perry song in the last five years? No, you don’t. If you mess with us or Tay-Tay, the Swifty Army will fuck your shit up. Wanna try it? Go ahead, say something bad about (Swift). Your life will effectively be over in like, 30 seconds.”
Swift has not taken a side in the Ukraine-Russia war, but she is known to be no fan of “that icky Russian Guy Putin.”
“I think that whole thing (Ukraine-Russia war) is just terrible and people shouldn’t fight and there should just be peace and for Russia to, um, go in there and just try to take things over is so gross,” said Swift in an interview with Vouge last year. “And that Putin guy, oh my gosh. Soooooo ick. Like, what is his deal? He should just make peace and call off all the war stuff because war is bad and it’s bad for, um, people. And the environment. Probably.”
In response to Zelenskyy’s request for help from Taylor Swift, Putin has reached out to Andrew Tate to help bolster the Russian Army.
“Andrew Tate will help us defeat terrible Ukraine Army by giving us lots of cannon fodder so real soldiers don’t die,” said Russian Minister of War, Evgeni Mastroff. “Many countries should thank us because (Tate) followers are even worse than Russians, so them being killed is good for everyone.”
Despite the threat of calling in the Tate “incel army,” the Swifty Army is not concerned should both side join the Ukraine-Russia war.
“This one time some guy started spouting off that Tay-Tay wasn’t good enough to date Andrew Tate, and I just went ballistic on him,” said DuFrane. “I mean I was all over him. The thing is he should have liked it because that’s the closest he’s been to an actual woman in his life. God, I hate those assholes, even more than I hate John Mayer.”