CHICAGO, MD – A recent survey conducted by the University of Chicago School of Sociology shows that almost 100% of Americans are 100% sure all that everything “bad” is everyone else’s fault.

The survey was conducted late last month and included responses from more than one million Americans.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – As the holiday season approaches, several top toy retailers have released a combined list of this year’s top, must-have toys to help parents ensure their children get everything they should want and that the children will be popular amongst other children.

“This list is something (retailers) do every year as a service to parents,” said Toys R Us spokeswoman Carol Hall.

BOZEMAN, MT – According to all who have noticed him, the guy sitting and playing guitar underneath the big tree in the Montana State University quad is not as cool as he thinks he is.

ELKTON, MD – A local couple says they are confused by their child’s resemblance to their next door neighbor.

EL CAJON, CA – The friends and family of Gary Kostisyn are almost unanimous in the feeling that Gary doesn’t get it. In a strongly worded letter from those that know him best, Kostisyn was warned to “get his shit together and figure it out.”

GREEN BAY, WI – The television broadcast commentary of the recent National Football League game between the Green Bay Packers and the Cincinnati Bengals has been described by many viewers as “vaguely homoerotic.”

CRAZYTOWN, US – The Mayor of Crazytown, Captain Artimis Buckminster III, says the protesting that has accompanied recent health care reform town halls has been well within his expectations.

AUSTIN, TX – In one of the most awkward moments of either of their lives, Deston Laremy and his father, Walt Laremy, discussed sex.

CHARLSETON, NC – All over the country, many schools and parent groups are turning to a new form of sex education called Abstinence in Hand. The program, which was developed by a Parent Teacher Organization group in Cleveland, Ohio stresses that the only way for a teenager to become fully abstinent is to masturbate at least five times a day.

SANTA FE, NM – Christians are flocking to Santa Fe, to see what some are saying is the image of Jesus Christ that has appeared in a painting of Jesus Christ.