WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to draw more tourists to the nation’s capitol, the Mayor of Washington, D.C., Anthony Williams, has announced plans to open an interactive museum devoted to the city’s most famous product, crack cocaine.

Washington, DC – The Senate has passed President Bush’s new domestic spying legislation which will allow the National Security Agency more freedom in gathering information – specifically from women ages 18-25.

NEW YORK, NY – In a radical move to show the world that Americans will stand defiantly in the face of terrorism, plans were unveiled this month to change the Statue of Liberty to a more “aggressive and purely American” stance. The proposed change, among others, will remove the torch from the statues hand, replacing it with a handgun.

SEATTLE, WA – In hopes of capitalizing on a large population of homosexuals living in the Seattle area, local entrepreneur, Terri Jillette, is opening the countries first Gay Care facility.

LONDON – Rabbits all over the world will celebrate the life and death of their lord and savior, Peter Cottontail, this month with a massive gathering in a farm just outside of London.

CINCINNATI, OH – The recent wave of cartoon provoked violence has reached the United States as cartoonist Tom Wilson, the cartoonist responsible for the Ziggy cartoon, was rushed to a hospital for injuries received in an apparent attack. A group calling themselves People Against Shitty-ass Cartoons That Suck, or PASCTS, have claimed responsibility for the attack.

KANSAS CITY, MO – The National Organization of Women, NOW, has released a list of compensations a woman should receive for varying acts of abuse. The list, which was made public last week details what a woman should receive if her husband/boyfriend/sibling/father abuses her either physically or mentally.

COLORADO CITY, AZ – According to local reports, polygamists in the small town of Colorado City are not looking forward to the Valentines Day holiday. With several males in the town taking more than one wife, the holiday has been expensive and time consuming for these same men in years past.

ENGLEWOOD, CO – In a surprising and risky move, the telecommunication company MCI has decided to replace its entire sales workforce with children ranging from ages six to eight-years-old.

NEW YORK, NY – According to a recent poll, for the first time in almost 30 years losing weight is not among the top 10 New Years resolutions for Americans. The poll, conducted by People Magazine, included 750,000 Americans from all over the country, and shockingly the number one response was “Have more sex.”