Compensation List Released for Abuses Against Women
Published February 2006 0 Comments | Share:
KANSAS CITY, MO – The National Organization of Women, NOW, has released a list of compensations a woman should receive for varying acts of abuse. The list, which was made public last week details what a woman should receive if her husband/boyfriend/sibling/father abuses her either physically or mentally.
The list of abuses is comprehensive and includes things such as lying, cheating, hitting, and choking, among others. In relation, the compensation for abuses ranges from flowers to a diamond necklace.
“We feel that it is high time that we women be fairly compensated of our pain and suffering,” said NOW representative Rachel Gradie. “Much like the African Americans demanded retributions for past slavery, women should be asking for and getting fair compensation for any and all abuse.
To give you an example of how this works let’s say my husband cheats on me with a younger woman who has bigger breasts than me. According to the new guidelines I deserve to get a European vacation. But if the woman he cheats on me with is my same age or older, and considerably uglier than me, I get a new summer home. See, everyone gets what they want.”
This list is very detailed, often distinguishing between two similar abuses. While a cracked or chipped bone results in a new iPod, a fully broken bone requires a gift of a brand new luxury car such as a Lexus, BMW or Mercedes Benz to the victim.
“This list is also meant to be cumulative,” says Gradie. “If more than one abuse occurs, then the compensation for each abuse should be applied. So say my husband gets drunk, calls me a ‘stupid dirty whore,’ smacks me in the lip and starts making out with my sister. Having to go through all that I can expect to be rewarded quite well. Oh and if he happens to chip my tooth when he smacks me, whoo boy, momma’s getting a new diamond ring to go along with my flowers and DVD player.”
According to Carol DuBois, NOW Director, the list was originally meant as a guide for men but since the list’s completion, the organization is hoping to make it law.
“After all of these years, and endless abuse, we feel that now was high time that we women finally got what we deserve for putting up with abusive men,” DuBois said. “The thing that works so well about this list is that any woman can use it. Be it your husband, father, boyfriend, priest or pimp, every woman will be fairly compensated if abuse takes place. Even lesbians can use this system. Believe me, in my line of work I’ve come across some rough and tumble dykes out there. They could kick your ass in about two seconds flat. Yeah, that would be fun.”
As of press time, the National Organization of Men has started a compensation list of its own. While most of the abuse is restricted to injuries suffered while abusing women, such as broken knuckles, all of the penalties are thus far to be paid in beer.
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