COLUMBUS, OH – Faced with a budget shortfall and a refusal to raise taxes, the Ohio state government voted to sell the state to Google.

With the shortfall estimated at more than three billion, the Ohio state government was faced with limited options to reduce the deficit.

“We thought about everything, except raising taxes,” said president of the Ohio Senate, Tom Niehaus.

WASHINGTON, DC – Earlier this week temporal scientists announced some good news and some bad news today regarding time travel.

ASHLAND, KY – Three weeks ago fans and professional baseball players were attacked by a herd of Zombie Unicorns as a publicity stunt went horribly wrong.

LOS ANGELES, CA – With Halloween right around the corner, costume shops all across the country are stocking up on what are anticipated to be this year’s most popular costumes.

AFTERLIFE – Long-time members of the famous 27 Club are voicing concerns that the club is no longer exclusive as more people are allowed to become members.

LAKEWOOD, CO – As the deadline to make a deal came and went last week, Kevin Garmin, the Commissioner of the Jefferson County Youth Football Association (JCYFA) has announced that the league will be locking out the players for the upcoming season, effective immediately.

The lockout comes after negotiations between the league and the Youth Football Players Association on a new collective bargaining agreement (CBA) broke down.

CHAMPAIGN, IL – Local woman Bridget Torres changed her status from “in a relationship” to “single” almost 20 minutes ago and has yet to talk to any of her closest friends or family about the change.

ATLANTA, GA – A report has drawn a direct line between the sex-slavery trade and milkshakes. The report is a result of more than five years of research by the University of Georgia.

MADISON, WI – The Wisconsin State Legislature has passed new laws that Governor Scott Walker says will “make the Wisconsin work force more attractive to companies.” The laws will allow companies to pay workers in credit, charge for the use of equipment, and allow companies to chain workers to workstations.

“We’ve ensured that every company will have employees that are… forced to work for them” said Senator Lena Taylor.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Television actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas has landed the starring role in the next complete Hollywood meltdown.