WASHINGTON, DC – After two years of informal classification and diagnosis, the American Psychiatric Association has added a new mental disorder to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – White Male Panic, or WhiMP.

“Let’s face facts, white men are going crazy, in the clinical sense, all over this country,” said APA President Suzanne Bennett Johnson, PhD.

ORLANDO, FL – Although her family members and friends have tried to explain it, local Grandmother Helen LaFornte doesn’t understand “the Kony thing.”

New York City, NY – A blogger for the popular entertainment blog EntertainThis!.com thinks that all British television shows are superior to their American counterparts.

ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the FDA in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.

ASHLAND, KY – Three weeks ago fans and professional baseball players were attacked by a herd of Zombie Unicorns as a publicity stunt went horribly wrong.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – During a recent interview on the Piers Morgan Tonight television show, God admitted that he responds to celebrity and athlete’s prayers before others – even before his most dedicated followers.

“I’m not going to sit here and lie to you, do I answer the prayers of someone like Johnny Depp or… Phillip Rivers before I answer the prayers from some no-name guy from Arkansas? Yes. Yes I do,” said God.

ARLINGTON, VA – A local man has admitted that he is responsible for a string of recent natural disasters on the East Coast.

Shawn “Tibby” Clarke says that several natural disasters have occurred almost immediately after his failure to keep promises he made to God.

“Yeah man, I’m sho dat earthquake ‘n hurricane bullshit that all went down last month was my fault,” said Clarke.

LAKEWOOD, CO – As the deadline to make a deal came and went last week, Kevin Garmin, the Commissioner of the Jefferson County Youth Football Association (JCYFA) has announced that the league will be locking out the players for the upcoming season, effective immediately.

The lockout comes after negotiations between the league and the Youth Football Players Association on a new collective bargaining agreement (CBA) broke down.

SPACE, TIME – A petition has been delivered to Father Time requesting that the end of the world, currently scheduled for 2012, be moved forward.

BROOKLYN, NY – A local Democrat has become so angry with the government that she is taking a strong stand by updating her blog. Rochelle Avery has updated her blog 17 times in the last three months.