UNION BEACH, NJ – A compact disc, compiled of various songs by Joshua Kilm, was given to his girlfriend Jessica Wills last Thursday. After sampling the CD Wills realized there was more to the song selection than Kilm had originally admitted.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – In an announcement made from the steps of the United Nations building, representatives of seven alien races have stated that they have put an immediate stop to all human abductions and anal probing. The proclamation is the result of recent allegations that the aliens have in fact learned everything they can about the human body and the intricacies of the human digestive tract.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – The Winter Olympics took another hit Thursday as Ecuadorian officials announced they will be boycotting the 2006 games unless sweeping changes are made to the organization and structure of the Olympics.

NEW YORK, NY – Years of debate and protest came to an end Saturday as Jewish leaders announced they have decided to extend the Hanukkah holiday by 30 days.

WASHINGTON, DC – With months of debate and crisis behind him, President George W. Bush unveiled his energy plan, which he says “will serve imminent relief to people and their stuff.” The plan is controversial and as anticipated, democrats in the house and senate are already lining up against the bill.

OLYMPIA, WA – Representatives from the Consumer Reports Magazine are calling the Washington Sentinel Classifieds’ ad for a used car, “The best deal ever.” The three line add for an ’81 Toyota Supra was listed on February 23 and immediately had major automakers scrambling to head off what certainly could be the end of the auto industry as we know it.

MONTREAL, QC – Inspired by the recent opening of Disney’s California Adventure theme park, the Canadian Tourism Commission has unveiled plans for a Canadian themed amusement park. The park, located just north of Montreal will feature rides and exhibits highlighting the Canadian “way of life.”

WASHINGTON DC – A going away party at the white house turned ugly last week as officers from the Washington DC Police Department were called in to control already out of hand partygoers around 3 a.m. Wednesday morning. Over 2 million dollars worth of damage was caused and 200 people were arrested with several others ticketed for various offenses.

CONCORD, NH – In the wake of the Phish breakup, the Department of Welfare has declared a state of emergency to house and feed the thousands of Phish fans left to fend for themselves by the split.

NEW YORK CITY – Just two days after announcing that it will drop its current and most successful ad campaign, Taco Bell has announced that the famous “Taco Bell Chihuahua” will be gone from commercials and promotions but will soon be even closer to America’s hearts.