LOS ANGELES, CA – It has been so long since I’ve written a column! Hello, my lovelies, it is I, your ever vigilant reporter of all things that are good, Beth Sinclair!

SANTA CRUZ, CA – An epidemic is sweeping the nation as the popular website Twitter is being used more and more regularly to post vague and generally uninteresting messages.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama’s administration has released details on its proposal for overhauling the U.S. health care system. The plan, which would give nearly 90% of American’s free health care, is centered around reducing the number of Americans via free abortions and free assisted suicides.

LITTLE ROCK, AK – After viewing a commercial for the Super-Shammy, a super absorbent towel, Kurt Williams is convinced that the product is the solution to all his life problems.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to stop the increase of states allowing gay marriage, senior Republican Senators and Christian leaders have adopted a new tactic.

WILMINGTON, DE – In an effort to help the economy, prostitutes all over the United States have revealed their own stimulus package.

EL SEGUNDO, CA – As the economy continues to struggle, not even celebrities are immune to the downturn and this week Barbie announced that her house is facing foreclosure.
According to bank records, Barbie has defaulted on several of her recent mortgage payments, ultimately forcing the foreclosure of her $200 million dollar “dream” home.

LITTLE ROCK, AR – A local father of two, Edgar Glen, has told his family that he doesn’t see what’s so great or funny about The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

MESA, AZ – After returning from a first date with Rachelle Vargas, local man James Sheppard reported on his blog (alliwantisawomanbecuaseimlonely.blog.com) that Vargas looked nothing like her picture on Match.com.

LOS ANGELES – Anna Nicole’s dead, rotting body will be the star of a brand new reality show on E Entertainment Television. The show, which will be called “Over Anna Nicole’s Dead Body,” has already begun production and will air this Spring.