LITTLE ROCK, AK – After viewing a commercial for the Super-Shammy, a super absorbent towel, Kurt Williams is convinced that the product is the solution to all his life problems.

“Have you seen that thing? It’s amazing,” Williams said. “Look at all the stuff it can do. It can clean up water. It can dry a car. It can even soak up soda that’s in carpet! I need that thing. If I had that, man, I would never be miserable again.”

Williams, who is recently divorced, has been struggling to gain control of his life for several months.

“You know, if I had a Super-Shammy, I bet I could get another woman quicker than you can shake a stick at,” Williams said. “Chick like things that are dry, right? I mean besides their vaginas. Those are supposed to be wet. Except for my ex who couldn’t get wet if her life depended on it. But man, with the Super-Shammy, my life would be on easy street.”