AUSTIN, TX – With the recent explosion of controversy as cities and states consider the legalization of gay marriages, Texas Senator Dale Williams has introduced a bill into Congress that will forever remove the word “Homo” for the term “Homo-sapiens” and make the union of same sex partners a federal crime.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Amidst controversy over his National Guard service record, President George W. Bush released a documentary which he says will “provide no shadow of doubt as to the dedication to his war time station.”

Hello kiddies, it is I, your confidant in entertainment, Beth. Oh what a strange and magical journey it has been this past year. I feel in love, fell out of love, got herpes – again, and lost 97 pounds. But most of all I saw movies. Lots of movies and some of them weren’t even porn! I laughed, I cried and that was just during the beginning of “The Rundown.” God that Rock is one hot piece of ass. I can tell you that he can “Rock Bottom” me anytime he wants!

LOS ANGELES, CA – In an effort to increase viewing share, three major adult-themed channels are planning changes to include family oriented programming. With adult cable television suffering as a result of the increase of internet pornography, the Spice Channel, Playboy Channel and The Really Naughty Channel announced plans to include cartoons for younger viewers in the early morning hours and family oriented movies extending into the late afternoon.

COLFAX – VA, December will mark a special month as 126,034 white suburban teenagers all across the United States celebrate their first Kwanzaa. Traditionally an African-American holiday, Kwanzaa is celebrated every year with an increasing number of white teens joining the festivities.

GOLDEN, CO – In a joint study recently released by the National Health Organization and Coors Brewing Company, the effects of alcohol have been proved to include many positive effects and consequences. Long thought only to cause problems, scientists now say that alcohol is very important in entertainment and increasing the quality of life.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With a war in Iraq on the horizon and his approval ratings sinking, President George W. Bush addressed the nation in hopes of gaining more support. During the speech Bush made several promises and pledges to the American public.

BATON ROUGE, LA – In a study released last week, the New England Journal of Medicine revealed that women would be capable of accomplishing more both in the home and in the office if they only “kept their mouths shut.”

STERLING, VA – During a closed meeting in Vatican City last week it was decided that the Catholic Church, which has recently been facing both monetary and moral trouble, will be sold in full to the worldwide fast food chain McDonald’s. Both the Pope and Edgar Steves, McDonald’s spokesman were pleased with the new venture and expressed optimism for the sweeping changes to both the religious and fast food worlds that this merger will bring forth.

TUCSON, AZ – Just five minutes after meeting his new roommates, University of Arizona Freshman Mark Jacobs knew this would be the best semester of his life. Jacobs immediately felt confident that the diverse backgrounds and ethnicities of his roommates, Rufream Arnold, Mike Oh, and Will Morales, was sure to bring about wild adventures and crazy parties.