BATON ROUGE, LA – In a study released last week, the New England Journal of Medicine revealed that women would be capable of accomplishing more both in the home and in the office if they only “kept their mouths shut.”

“This is just such an amazing find,” said Dave Savage, Editor In Chief of the Journal. “I know that this was always assumed, but it was never fact. Till now that is. Women, of all ages, could do a lot more if they just shut up for a bit. Seriously, these so called ‘women’ talk all the time. And they talk about nothing, just random nonsense. The only thing that leads to is a lot of dumb people. And domestic violence, ‘cus no one likes a talky woman. Especially the fine people of Kentucky.”

The study, performed over the last two years, was spearheaded by Dr. Sarah May. Dr. May, the leading researcher and professor of Women Studies at Brown University, theorized that a reduction in vocal exercises from women would lead to an increase in time dedicated to completing certain tasks.

“Being a woman I know that I am capable of so much more but most of the time I just feel like talking. My goal with this research was to simply prove that women could accomplish so much more if they didn’t spend so much time talking. I’m a woman and I know that we have a propensity for long drawn out conversations about nothing. So I set out to prove my theory. And now, two years later, I have proof and a whole lot more than what I set out to prove,” said Dr. May.

The study shows that women wearing a mouthpiece to inhibit verbal communication accomplished 35% more work in the home and 58% more work in the office compared to those women without the mouthpiece. In addition the amount of work completed in the company of other women increased by a staggering 83% for those women wearing the muzzle.

“I was totally shocked when I found out what the study was for,” said participant Lucy Wallace from her workplace. “I never thought that I talked too much, but this one time, I was talking with my friend Jenny, and we were both just talking and talking and I don’t think there was a second of silence the whole time we were out. But you know, it’s just like this one episode of Ally McBeal. See Ally was worried about her biological clock so she went crazy for a while, fucking every guy that moved. That was a good episode. They should have never cancelled that show. You know what other show they should have never cancelled, Quantum Leap. I loved that show. Remember how ever episode started with Sam saying ‘Oh boy!’ For like a year I started every conversation with ‘Oh boy.’ I guess that guy is on some new Star Trek show. I don’t really like Star Trek. It’s too spacey for me. But I like Star Wars. Don’t ask me why, but I do. Maybe it’s that I had this huge crush on Mark Hammil when I was a kid. If I had been of age at that time I definitely would have given him my virginity. But instead of him I had to give it to Bobby Thomas in the back of his mom’s Trans Am. But man I wanted that Luke Skywalker with his farm boy looks. Isn’t that weird how that works? You think you’re gonna get with one guy then you end up getting finger banged in a muscle car. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It was nothing short of magical.”

While Dr. May has no immediate plans to further her research she is excited about the possibilities.

“I think this is really just the beginning. From here we can test why men can’t sit on the same side of the table as each other and why kids never take anything seriously. This is an exciting time to be a researcher,” said May.