LOS ANGELES, CA – In an effort to increase viewing share, three major adult-themed channels are planning changes to include family oriented programming. With adult cable television suffering as a result of the increase of internet pornography, the Spice Channel, Playboy Channel and The Really Naughty Channel announced plans to include cartoons for younger viewers in the early morning hours and family oriented movies extending into the late afternoon.
“The internet is killing the sex on TV business,” said Spice Channel Vice President Harry Johnson. “You can download what ever you want for free so why pay for it on TV? That is the cold hard, long, throbbing fact that the porn TV industry has to work through. The best solution we have is to make the channel accessible for everyone, not just horny 13-year-olds trying to make something out of the squiggly lines when the channel is scrambled.”
Beginning in February, Spice and Playboy will debut two cartoons each aimed at bringing in the under 12-year-old demographic. The fist of these shows to air will be Playboys “The Adventures of Big Willy in the Forrest of Wonder.”
“This is going to be a really special show because not only is it a history maker, it is the brain child of former Playboy Playmate Ginger Roberts,” said Playboy Publisher, Hugh Hefner. “(Roberts) is just so special. She’s creative, and um, beautiful, and… who am I kidding, she has huge breasts and that’s a reason in itself to watch the show. The show itself is crap, but you just gotta see the intros. Each one filmed in the Grotto. It’ll be pure magic.”
The show, which centers around a young boy named Billy, will be written and directed by Roberts.
“Billy is sooo cute and he has so many adventures, all of them based on a part of my life,” Roberts said. “In the first episode, Billy meets a wizard and the wizard promises Billy that if he lets the wizard take pictures of him without his clothes on, Billy can have lots of money. But then Billy does it and his dad beats him and Billy gets pregnant by the boy from down the street but he has an abortion so the wizard will keep him around. It’s a good, wholesome family show. And it has a lesson at the end of each episode like ‘hey kids, don’t charge less than 5 bucks for a hand job.’ Stuff kids really don’t hear nowadays.”
The Spice channel has developed a partnership with several made-for-TV studios to produce original family families to air in the afternoon on The Spice Channel.
“Families are just as important as tits and we are beginning to realize that,” said Johnson. “For most families, they act how they think they should all day long, including when they watch TV together. It’s at night when the sexy, freakiness comes out and gets moms and dads, brothers and sisters, whoever, all worked up and ready to splatter some money around. Our new TV movies will be for the family moments and our hot sex shit will be for the freaky time. The happy time. Know what I’m sayin’?”
The first family movie to air on Spice will be a movie produced by Larry Flint starring New York Teen and socialite Paris Hilton.
“The film is really about accepting yourself for who you are and not letting other people’s attitudes towards you get in your way of becoming who you want to be,” said Flint. “We think Paris is a perfect example of that. She never gives in to peer pressure and she is definitely not concerned about her looks and what people think of her. People are always trying to get her to gain more weight and read a book or go to school but she won’t have any of that. She is who she is. The film is a tasteful representation of that… and her 45 minute sex scene is done with taste too.”
TV critics expect the changes to adult programming to be successful, possibly forcing some strictly family oriented programming stations to consider the adult demographic.
“If (addition of family programming) works for the perv channels, just watch what it will do. I expect that by next year, The Disney Channel will start showing raunch late at night. Possibly those underground movies of Minnie Mouse and Pluto. I heard that shit is bizarre hot. It will be interesting, that’s for sure,” said TV Critic Leon Ripley.