WORCESTER, MA – A group of teenagers has been arrested for the assault and harassment of a local mill owner. The teenagers, who refer to themselves as Mystery, Inc., were also charged with trespassing and possession of controlled substances.
“These darn kids showed up on my property a week or so ago and they immediately began shouting that they were going to prove something or other. It was kind of hard to understand because they were shouting from their van and I’m pretty sure at least one of them had a speech impediment,” said mill owner, Herman Brinklestein. “Then they chased me around my house, through several rooms in the same hallway and then trapped me with an old barrel, a skateboard, some grease, and some feathers. The worst part of the whole thing was when they kept pulling on my nose trying to get my ‘mask’ off. I ain’t got no mask on! It’s just my ugly face! If you ask me, I think they were all hopped up on them goofballs.”
According to police reports, the teens showed up on Brinklestein’s property, accused him of stealing from a local museum and dressing as a ghost to scare witnesses.
“The teens, four in total, were arrested on Mr. Brinklestein’s property,” said Worcester Police Captain, Harry Shriner. “When officers arrived, they found the teens surrounding Mr. Brinklestein pulling on various parts of his head to remove, what they say, was the mask Mr. Brinklestein was wearing. We also found some drugs and drug paraphernalia on one of the teens. The teens were also accompanied by a large canine who has since been determined to be rabid. ”
Brinklestein said he is not sure why the teens targeted him.
“These darn kids just kept after me and I don’t know why. I didn’t do nuthin’ to them kids,” said Brinklestein. “I think they think they’re these social justice warriors, but really, they’re just a bunch of punk kids who are all messed up on goofballs and god knows what else. One of them kept saying something that sounded like ‘ruh roh’ which I’m pretty sure was his way of saying ‘butt hole.’ I’m pretty sure I was going to be violated at some point if the police hadn’t gotten here.”
The teens say Brinklestein is a crime ringleader who has stolen from a local museum to fund shady real estate deals.
“Like, you know, man. That guy, he’s really a monster,” said one of the arrested teens, whose name is being withheld because he’s a minor. “You know like, Scoob and I just had the munchies you know, and we went in and there was, like, this ghost and Scoob and I were like ‘we gotta get the fuck outta here, man.’ But then there was this sandwich and me and Scoob were like ‘we gotta get that sandwich,’ And yeah. I’m, like, really high man. Too high. I’m, like, too high man! I can’t feel my hair!”
In addition to the arrests, the teen’s pet dog has been sent to the Humane Society after biting Brinklestein and several police officers.