CHATTANOOGA, TN – In a shocking move, Defense Lawyer Drew McAllen played the race card during the trial of Ron Willis, however the card was immediately beaten by a Level 3 Wood Ogre with a Plus 7 Axe of Wonder. The Ogre card, presented by Prosecuting Attorney Andre May sealed the win for the prosecutors trying and lead to a murder conviction for Willis.

NASHVILLE, TN – Every summer has its hot new fad and this year is no exception. In 2002, the whole nation is going crazy for the newest summer craze: child abduction. Missing children and their alleged kidnappers have been headline news from the start of summer and things don’t look to be slowing down any time soon.

VORGON 9 – Just over five years ago, a rag tag group of misfits with ideas of UFO’s and castration took the United States by storm, but then seemingly vanished into thin air shortly after their bodies were found after what appeared to be a mass suicide. But Tuesday, in an announcement broadcast from beyond our solar system and picked up via satellite TV, members of the Heavens Gate cult announced that they finally reached the spaceship and are in fact not dead.

VATICAN CITY, ROME – Vatican officials announced Thursday that the Catholic Church would now recognize “free days” included in the observation of Lent. A “free day” is defined by the Catholic Church as a single designated day where the rules and beliefs behind Lent are put aside allowing Catholics to take a break from their lent sacrifice.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – In an announcement made from the steps of the United Nations building, representatives of seven alien races have stated that they have put an immediate stop to all human abductions and anal probing. The proclamation is the result of recent allegations that the aliens have in fact learned everything they can about the human body and the intricacies of the human digestive tract.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Beginning later this month, Americans will be singing a different tune. With new legislature proposed by President Bush, the current National Anthem is set to be replaced by a more patriotic and inspiring chant.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – The Winter Olympics took another hit Thursday as Ecuadorian officials announced they will be boycotting the 2006 games unless sweeping changes are made to the organization and structure of the Olympics.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – This month The Scoop News released its annual Hottest Guy of the Year award and let me be the first to say that I, for one, am not surprised at all. And I shouldn’t be surprised because I’m the one who came up with this crazy thing, but that’s beside the point. Anyways, who is this years top Stud? Well, none other than Senator Orrin Hatch. Yes, that’s right. That crazy little Republican from Utah has won many hearts this year and the least of which is this humble reporter’s.

DENVER, CO – An intervention was held Saturday for 45-year-old mother of three Jacqueline Burke in order to help her stop dressing like a 15-year-old hooker. The intervention, supported by friends and family, came as a complete shock to Burke.

CHICAGO, IL – Even though this holiday season is supposed to be a retailer’s worst nightmare, Consumer Reports has unveiled its list of the 10 hottest toys that are flying off shelves all over the country. Since the terrorist attacks in September combined with the already sluggish economy, analysts have been predicting the usual fevered spending in the months prior to Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa would be at an all time low. The toy report is expected to help kick start the economy, making this a fruitful season for everyone in the retail industry.