ATHENS, GA – The controversy over steroids in sports continued this week as it was revealed that this year’s Spellympics champion, Conner Stersky age 10, may have been using performance enhancing steroids before and during last month’s competition.

BAGHDAD, Iraq – In a survey conducted last month, just under half of Iraqi teens said they are much better now with one or more less parents.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a move to ease the frustration of sitting in traffic, the city of Los Angeles is set to unveil its new accident warning system along a 100 mile stretch of I -5. The system, which will be comprised of video screens every mile, will broadcast any traffic accidents that are ahead.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Amidst controversy over his National Guard service record, President George W. Bush released a documentary which he says will “provide no shadow of doubt as to the dedication to his war time station.”

Hello kiddies, it is I, your confidant in entertainment, Beth. Oh what a strange and magical journey it has been this past year. I feel in love, fell out of love, got herpes – again, and lost 97 pounds. But most of all I saw movies. Lots of movies and some of them weren’t even porn! I laughed, I cried and that was just during the beginning of “The Rundown.” God that Rock is one hot piece of ass. I can tell you that he can “Rock Bottom” me anytime he wants!

LEBANON, NH – After suffering a string of Primary losses, Democratic Presidential candidate Gov. Howard Dean and his staff are revamping their strategy. Shifting away from an aggressive campaign, Dean and company will rely on tactics used by former, successful Presidential candidates.

COLFAX – VA, December will mark a special month as 126,034 white suburban teenagers all across the United States celebrate their first Kwanzaa. Traditionally an African-American holiday, Kwanzaa is celebrated every year with an increasing number of white teens joining the festivities.

CONCORD, NH – After a brief manhunt, Jack Frost turned himself in to local authorities late last week to face charges of sexual misconduct and molestation. According to police reports, six separate snowmen and three snow-angels have accused Frost of fondling and “naughty touching” during various parties at Frost’s Lebanon, NH home.

DETROIT, MI – In an effort to improve both revenue and team morale, the Detroit Lions of the National Football League have made public their attempt to clone former Lion running back Barry Sanders. The Lions, who were 3-13 last season, hope the success of the program will once again bring the team into prominence.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On the last day of session last month, the United States Supreme Court ruled against laws restricting sodomy, or as it is more commonly known, butt fucking, causing wide celebrations across the country. Mile long parades and all night parties were held in San Francisco, Miami and Salt Lake City to celebrate the courts decision.