Researchers Identify Hormone Causing Men to Post Idiotic Thoughts Online

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Researchers studying men's need to post thoughts online think they have found a clue to the origin of the behavior.
Researchers studying men's need to post thoughts online think they have found a clue to the origin of the behavior.
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GAINESVILLE, FL – Researchers at the University of Florida say they have made a breakthrough in the search to understand why white men are compelled to post their thoughts online after they turn 18.

“Our goal with this study is to understand and perhaps identify a path to a solution to white men’s need to post every thought they have online in comments sections, social media, or in podcasts,” said University of Florida Genetics Professor, Dr. Robin Hoofen. “Through research conducted in the past we know that the issue seems to be genetic and begins to manifest at the age of 18 but we wanted to focus on biological markers to see if we can identify the source of the compulsion to post every stupid, idiotic, uninformed, banal, offensive, wrongheaded idea they have online for the world to see. And we think we did. We think we found it.”

The research team says that they found a hormone created in the testicles that influences a specific part of the brain.

“For the longest time, we thought that the hormone was just a weird mutation of testosterone,” said Hoofen. “But the more we saw it, the more we realized that it was a completely different substance. Once we figured that out, the research snowballed. It really was the kick in the nuts that we need to figure this out. Get it? I said kick in the nuts because ‘nuts’ is a slang term for testicles and testicles are where we found this new hormone. Do you need me to explain it to you again?”

The hormone, dubbed Privilegone, is present in all male but the research team found a much higher concentration of the hormone in white men. The research team also found that certain substances and activities will cause a white man’s body to create exceedingly high levels of Privilegone.

“We have been able to identify a couple of things that appear to contribute to the body generating a ton more of the Privilegone hormone,” said researcher team member, Alexis Wilson. “Eating a diet high in fried foods, drinking large amounts of Mountain Dew, golf, love of the film Joker, large amount of time being stationary playing video games, exposure to cold temperatures because they only wear cargo shorts, Kid Rock music. All those things lead to large amounts of Privilegone being generated in the testicles.”

One activity in particular seems to really send a white males Privilegone creation in to overdrive and that’s spending time in small groups of other white males.

“It’s very similar to how if a group of women spend a lot of time together their menstrual cycles will begin to synch up,” said Wilson. “If a group of white men spend a lot of time together, they begin to create an very large amount of Privilegone and thus they will begin to think that the world needs to hear all their stupid thoughts on everything.”

Researchers at The University of Florida spent several years studying a group of 100 male subjects as they aged from 16 to 21 years old. An additional control group of five female subjects at the same age progression was also studied.

“Oddly enough, the women in the study didn’t participate as much in the posting of random bullshit but did engage online in other ways,” said Hoofer. “The women in the study did seem to have a proclivity of posting pictures of most of the things they were doing. We think that may have some connection to the Privilegone in males. Right now, we’re calling the female hormone Chickprivilegone, but that name might not stick, especially if it proves to not have any correlation.”

To help find a way to manage the Privilegone hormone, the research team has shared the available research with several pharmaceutical companies.

“It’s an optimistic goal but if the pharmaceutical companies see a profit in a treatment for high levels of Privilegone then we could very well see some treatment options in a year or so,” said Hoofen. “Fingers crossed!”


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