PHOENIX, AZ – Local reporter Denise Holman is waiting for the next Tik Tok trend to present itself so she can report on it.
“When a new trend pops up on Tik Tok we have to jump on it so that… um… well, we need to report news and if something is popular and like, a lot of kids are doing it that by definition is popular so we have to report on it,” said Holman. “So as soon as some new trend pops up, I have to be ready because if I hesitate for even a second, that bitch Carrie Walton over at Channel 4 is going to cover it. And so help me god, if (Walton) scoops me out of another story Ima throw hands!”
Holman spends most of the workday researching stories by casually scrolling through Tik Tok and drinking wine.
“It’s not easy to identify trends. Because… well, a lot of Tik Tok is just kids dancing but also a lot of the trends revolve around dancing so it’s hard to tell what is just a kid dancing and what is a trend that I need to report on because this why I went to journalism school I guess. I spent all that money just to sit her and look at Tik Tok and then interview some kids about what they are doing on Tik Tok.”
According to Holman, it can sometimes take several months for trends to appear.
“Yeah, sometimes I don’t see a new trend for awhile so I just kinda sit here and keep scrolling through things,” said Holman. “A few months ago, I thought I had a lead on the new trend of kids taping lizards to sticks and sword fighting with them, but by the time I got off the couch, it was dead. Both the trend and the lizards. Sure I could probably go out and be more active in reporting on things but… why?”
Although Holman has been assigned to cover social media for her news organization, Holman limits herself to focusing strictly on Tik Tok.
“The editorial board here doesn’t really understand social media so we are just assuming Holman knows what she is doing,” said Holman’s Editor-in-Chief, Casey McHusky. “And, of course, we all know what social media is and we know that Twitter, or whatever it’s called now, is a dumpster fire and that Facebook is full of racist soccer moms and that Instagram is for pushing dietary supplements but… that’s actually all we really know about it. But that’s not our job, that’s Holman’s job.”
Tik Tok trend news reports are particularly popular with parents who are scared of everything.
“I gotta watch them trends because next thing I know, my daughter is going to be eating Tide Pods again,” said Mesa, AZ resident Molly Thompson. “Let’s face it, kids are stupid and if they see something online you know that they are going to try it no matter how stupid it is. Did you see those idiots over Summer that were filming themselves slipping out of the safety bars on roller coasters? What the serious fuck! That’s the level that kids are at these days. Yes, I’m talking about you Emma. That’s why you ain’t goin’ to the state fair this year!”
Despite the general consensus that Tik Tok trends are dangerous and stupid, Holman insists that the platform is vital to the world.
“(Tik Tok) is a cultural event!” Holman said. “Think about it. All of these videos that these kids are coming up with will live on forever. Then, when these kids are adults, we’ll have a record of all the stupid shit that these kids have done, and we’ll know not to trust them with anything important. Trust me, it’ll all work out! Also, it’s kind of a super easy job to just let the reporting fall in your lap like this.”