MIAMI, FL – In an effort to increase revenues, CBS Television has announced that the seven-hour block of programming devoted to the Super Bowl will now be entirely commercials.

ST. LOUIS, MO – During a casual chat with friends, Benjamin Walters admitted that he, a Caucasian 18-year-old male, identifies with African-Americans.

HOUSTON, TX – On Tuesday, NASA announced that data collected on the latest space shuttle Discovery mission reveals that while space may be an infinite vacuum, it does have a distinctive smell.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study conducted by the Harvard University English Department proves what many Americans have known for years: writing news briefs is difficult.

TEMPE, AZ – In a single day, the record for lost virginity in a 24 hour period was shattered at Arizona State University.

SAN DIEGO, CA – In an effort to increase profits, officials at the San Diego Zoo have announced a new plan to create the worlds most loveable, cute animal. The animal, if successful, will be the result of breeding a koala bear, a panda bear and a polar bear.
“They’re all bears, right? So there should be no problem breeding them,” said Zoo director Martin Henderson. “The only trick is going to be getting them to have sex and not eat each other. I mean the panda and the polar bear can probably hold their own against each other, but those koalas are kinda small. But who knows, small might be really sexy to the other bears.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Making it official, the National Board of What’s Funny announced today that the Rapping Granny gimmick is no longer funny.

MONTREAL, QUE – Friends and relatives of 27 year old Darren Grayson are grieving today at the fact that they have lost someone close to them. Wells was officially pronounced P-Whipped late last week.

ENGLEWOOD, CO – Undeterred by a less than attractive facial appearance, John Lewdig, US West Order Coodinator, was classified as “fuckable” by fellow co-worker and single mother Janice Jamison.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With the worldwide success of the movie Slumdog Millionaire, old white people all over America are being reminded how lucky it is that they are white.