SAN FRANCISCO, CA- It was a classic example of being in the right place at the right time and now a local aspiring actor has finally landed himself in the big time.

NEW YORK, NY – In a startling discovery, The Federal Bureau of Investigators has uncovered what is thought to be a sado-masochist “dungeon” located in the basement of the New York Police Departments headquarters.

DENTON, SD – During a recent paleontological dig in the Bad Lands of South Dakota, scientists have uncovered remnants of some of our earliest known ancestors. This new find uncovered tools ancient, savage creatures used and what appears to be a complete set of pre-historic clothing.

AUSTIN, TX – In a surprise address to the Austin Texas Hog Farmers Association, God the Almighty appeared in front of human eyes for the first time in centuries, and condemned the human race for what he described as “the relentless overpopulation and blatant destruction of thy most beautiful creation, the Earth.”

ANAHEIM, CA – In response to the “call to boycott” and other allegations made recently by Rabbi Jacob Silverman of Universal Studios’ new attraction “Mr. Schindler’s Wild Ride,” Seagrams CEO Edgar Bronfman, Jr. released the following statement, this past Tuesday:

WASHINGTON, DC – Late last month, shocking and optimistic news was delivered to the world by scientists at the National Health Department. Virginity, one of the most debilitating diseases known to man, finally has a cure. While this news should be received with great joy, doctors are quick to point out that there is still a lot of testing that needs to be done.

SEATTLE, WA – At a press conference earlier this week Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and worlds most wealthy human, announced that he has acquired the publishing rights for the worlds all time best-selling book; the Bible.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Just in time for the fall season, VH-1 has announced that two new installments of the hit show, “Where Are They Now?” will be premiering before the end of the month. The two shows, which are now in post-production, will center on two of the most beloved acts the world has known, The Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears and the horrible fall from stardom each act took.

Every year about this time, hordes of people gather around the water coolers at work and plan their television viewing schedules for the upcoming seasons. But this year, all the networks have delivered gigantic payloads. With so many shows to choose from, we here at The Scoop have decided to let you in on our picks for the new season. So be sure to memorize these shows and plan your future them.

ANAHIEM, CA – Civil unrest has torn apart the once quiet, once peaceful land of It’s A Small World. This tiny little province in the north most sector of Disneyland has erupted in senseless and inescapable violence.