BOGOTA, COLOMBIA – In an effort to draw tourists to the country, Columbia will open it’s first ski resort featuring cocaine rather than snow.
“There are mountains and snow, yes, in Colombia but they are very hard to visit,” said Minister of Tourism for Colombia, Enrique Guztez. “There are no skiing in Colombia and we are aware very rich people enjoy to ski. We are also know rich people very enjoy cocaine. To make ski for rich people here in Colombia we will use what Colombia has much of – cocaine. Rich people from entire world can come to Colombia and ski on cocaine or snort cocaine! Whatever rich people will want.”
The new ski resort will allow tourists the ability to both ski on cocaine and snort cocaine – potentially at the same time.
“We have discovered that cocaine on the ground, if enough, can ski on like real snow,” said Vice President, Francia Márquez. “The cocaine will not melt. That is good. We will need to be sure people who wish to just do the cocaine do not do all of the cocaine so there is still enough to ski. But we are sure there is enough cocaine here in Columbia for people to both do much cocaine and also ski on the cocaine if they wish.”
The cocaine for the new ski resort will be provided by serval local drug cartels. In return for the cocaine, the drug cartels will receive exclusive rights to providing drugs to tourists.
“It will be a proud day to be able to say that President so and so from whatever country will be skiing and snorting my product,” said head of the Musi Cartel, Bernardo Bertran. “I always had hunch that my coke was being used by awesome people, but never knew for sure. Now I can say if you are ‘skiing’ on Blue Diamond hill, that’s all mine. I’m looking at you Andy Dick! You come here for some good ‘skiing!’”
The new resort is scheduled to open this fall and passes for the ski resort are already sold out through 2025.
“We expected this idea to be popular, but we did not think that it would be popular like this,” said Guztez. “We have had very important people from all over the world book already. Very famous and important people. People like the very funny Andy Dick! Mr. Dick is going to be staying here for a very long time. Well, maybe not so long, depending on which hill he goes ski on.”
Aside from the added revenue from the new ski slopes, Columbia has legalized prostitution in the cities around the resorts.
“We felt that cocaine and the hookers go hand in hand, so to make more money, we will bring in many, many hookers,” said Guztez. “Imagine skiing down a mountain of cocaine, having sex with a hooker and snorting cocaine off of the hookers buttocks. All while skiing! It’s going to be a rich person’s paradise!”