WASHINGTON, D.C. – With less than a month left in his term as President of the United States, George W. Bush has admitted that he has “a severe case of senioritis.”

DENVER, CO – With the economy struggling and massive layoffs a daily occurrence, employment experts have released a list of the top 10 paying jobs for the upcoming year. Toping that list is Employment Expert.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In another bailout request, Santa Claus appeared before Congress this week asking for $45 billion in order to continue operations and ensure “Christmas happens as it should.”

CANTON, TX – A marquee outside the Christ Church of Canton has caused confusion among much of the church’s parishioners.

EVANSVILLE, IN – Online friends of Jason Delley notified local police this week after Delley failed to show up for a second consecutive World of Warcraft gaming session. Delley, who was listed as a missing person for over 36 hours, eventually resurfaced and informed his friends and family that he had actually been with his girlfriend.

CHARLOTTESVILLE, OH – Manufacturers are working feverishly on an upgrade to the software installed in the SkyNet Cyborg model XX1331, more commonly referred to as Governor Sarah Palin. The Republican Party is putting pressure on SkyNet to resolve a number of issues as the party is becoming less and less happy with its recent purchase of a Palin.

SANTA FE, NM – Christians are flocking to Santa Fe, to see what some are saying is the image of Jesus Christ that has appeared in a painting of Jesus Christ.

ST. LOUIS, MO – Budweiser Brewing Company has signed a contract that could revolutionize the marketing and promotion or alcoholic beverages. The deal, which will see Budweiser sponsoring a local man’s liver disease, is said to be worth in the neighborhood of $2.3 million.

SEDONA, AZ – Only a few weeks after rejecting the endorsement of two controversial preachers, John McCain has announced that he has rejected yet another endorsement from a religious leader. In a public statement, McCain has denounced any connection to Jesus Christ.

LOS ANGELES, CA – An animal rights group has begun protesting outside of Warner Brothers Studios demanding the immediate stop of all animal cruelty in its productions, including the popular Looney Tunes cartoons.