PORTLAND, OR – The hunt for one of America’s most well known bears came to an end last Thursday after a stand off that lasted nearly 10 hours. For the last three weeks, the combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Forest Service have searched nationwide for Smokey the Bear. Smokey is accused of setting forest fires in Arizona, Utah and Oregon.

GOLDEN, CO – In a joint study recently released by the National Health Organization and Coors Brewing Company, the effects of alcohol have been proved to include many positive effects and consequences. Long thought only to cause problems, scientists now say that alcohol is very important in entertainment and increasing the quality of life.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With a war in Iraq on the horizon and his approval ratings sinking, President George W. Bush addressed the nation in hopes of gaining more support. During the speech Bush made several promises and pledges to the American public.

BJORN, GREENLAND – A panel meeting to determine the cost-effectiveness of the 12-month calendar decided Thursday to remove the month of February from all American calendars. The decision to revoke February’s Month status was a universal one and came on only the second day of the conference.

BATON ROUGE, LA – In a study released last week, the New England Journal of Medicine revealed that women would be capable of accomplishing more both in the home and in the office if they only “kept their mouths shut.”

STERLING, VA – During a closed meeting in Vatican City last week it was decided that the Catholic Church, which has recently been facing both monetary and moral trouble, will be sold in full to the worldwide fast food chain McDonald’s. Both the Pope and Edgar Steves, McDonald’s spokesman were pleased with the new venture and expressed optimism for the sweeping changes to both the religious and fast food worlds that this merger will bring forth.

NEWPORT BEACH, CA – Shortly before boarding the “Mother Ship” actor Dustin Diamond addressed his fans and “family” apologizing for his departure from the planet Earth but leaving the door open for possible future visits.

TUCSON, AZ – Just five minutes after meeting his new roommates, University of Arizona Freshman Mark Jacobs knew this would be the best semester of his life. Jacobs immediately felt confident that the diverse backgrounds and ethnicities of his roommates, Rufream Arnold, Mike Oh, and Will Morales, was sure to bring about wild adventures and crazy parties.

WASHINGTON D.C. – After month’s of bitter arguing and failed attempts at rebuilding their relationship, President Bush and Iraq President Saddam Hussein have agreed to attend couples counseling. Both plan on retreating to Camp David with world-renowned therapist Kelli Steinberg later this month.

HELL – In an attempt to improve its image and promote a happier atmosphere, Hell has hired a new marketing firm and image consultant. Blake, Stein and Wills Marketing will take over all public relations and advertising for the underworld getaway in an effort to “bring back the luster and mystique that Hades deserves.”