WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fresh from a visit to London, President Donald Trump made the surprise announcement that the United States will export gasoline to England as he was made aware England uses petrol rather than gasoline.

MIDDLETOWN, NJ – Former heavy metal guitarist, Ken “Blood Face” Giacomo, has been updating his Linkdin profile for several days but has been struggling to include his experience as a musician.

DETROIT, MI – According to a recent report by the World Health Organization, most of the America’s population describes themselves as unhappy.

CONWAY, AR – A local woman has been arrested for allegedly conspiring with Russian agents to ruin her ex-boyfriend’s birthday.

BOISE, ID – A bag boy at a local Fred Myers grocery store stated that he is a “rebel” and he doesn’t “care about nothing, especially work.”

SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local man Jared Waterton says that he is no longer comfortable in his football-themed man-cave.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Holy freaking guacamole you guys! It has been, like, forever since I was last able to grace your eye holes with my everlasting words of wisdom!

OMAHA, NE – Staring out the window of his home, seven-year-old Billy Tanner, sits silently, sipping his strawberry lemonade thinking about how good things used to be, back when things were simpler.

SANTA FE, NM – Anthropologists are excited by recently discovered cave drawings that they say prove that the earliest inhabitants of North America were terrible artists.