Experts Offer Up Ten Ways to be a Happier Person

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DETROIT, MI – According to a recent report by the World Health Organization, most of the America’s population describes themselves as unhappy. To help combat that unhappiness, The Scoop News has reached out to a number of experts in being happy asking for tips and tricks that one can use to make themselves and their loved ones happier.

Here is a list of the top ten tips experts agree will make a person happier:

Join a cult
“Surrounding yourself with like-minded people really helps people feel safe and secure and happy. What better place to find like-minded people than a cult?” said “Am I Happy Enough Yet?” author, Sven Ridgely. “Cults are a great place to meet people there is the added bonus of not having to worry about thinking as the cult leaders will do that for you. There is the added benefit of not having to worry about dying alone because you will all die together when the leader hands out his special punch!”

If someone makes you upset, murder them
“I know murder is generally frowned upon in today’s world but it is extremely effective in removing negative influences on your happiness,” said blogger, Rachel Andrighetto. “There are ways to get away with murder these days – like be a cop. So if you can get away with it, murder anyone that makes you sad and you will be happier almost immediately.”

Eat a diet consisting entirely of Twinkies
“Eating comfort foods makes you happy – everyone knows that. That’s why they are called ‘comfort foods,’” said nutritionist, Heather Kaut. “So it only makes sense that eating comfort food for every meal will make you very happy. And, as a nutritionist, I have to say that Twinkies are the way to go. They are loaded with stuff, vitamins probably, and maybe all seven of the food groups. So go with Twinkies.”

Focus on preparing for the upcoming apocalypse
“The world is coming to an end and that will probably make you sad but if you can keep your mind busy doing fun projects, things will be so much better,” said Editor in Chief of Preppers Digest, Sofia Kay. “To get ready for the pending apocalypse you can shut out the bad and focus on the good. Building a bomb shelter is fun. Modifying your car so that it has a cattle guard on the front and automatic shotguns is fun. Doing fun projects will help keep your spirits up and keep you happy.”

Get a lobotomy
“I had a lobotomy and I am happy,” said Lobotomy expert, Stephen Johnston. “I had a lobotomy. I… had… a lobotomy. Everything is fine. I feel… I had a lobotomy and everything is fine. I used to be sad but now I am not. I had a lobotomy. Fine. Everything. Lobo… fine.”

Write everything that makes you sad in to a journal then take that journal and use it to start a fire in your mother’s home
“Writing is a good exercise to work through your emotions. Putting your thoughts down in to a journal can be very rewarding. Taking that journal and using it to start a fire can be even more rewarding,” said Ridgely. “Now we all know that our mothers are the root of all our problems so make sure any fires you set are in your mother’s house. You will want to watch the ensuing chaos and if it is your mother’s house, it won’t be weird if you are just hanging out watching the fire.”

Build an online persona that represents who you wish you were and spend every moment of your free time online as that persona
“Create a role playing character that is the type of person that you imagine yourself as when you imagine yourself as happy” said psychiatrist, Glenn Montrupe. “Once you have a character that is your perfect version of yourself, spend all your time as that character in whatever environment you choose. No one says you have to live in the real world to be happy. And if you are role playing it’s easier to justify all those really weird fetishes you have because that’s not really you.”

Complain on the internet about the new Star Wars films
“Hating on things that people like makes you different and different makes you unique and being unique can be a good step to being happy,” said Reddit poster, XxRoSeSuxX. “And what’s more popular than Star Wars? This idea isn’t new, it’s been gaining popularity over the last couple years but it is really working for a large number of people. Everything Star Wars related is now shit on almost immediately by people wanting to be happy. So join in on the fun! The more you complain about Star Wars the happier you will be so make sure you complain online a lot- make up additional usernames if you have to because happiness is just around the corner.”

Reach out to past boyfriends/girlfriends and ask them for a detailed list of the reasons they left you
“How are you going to be better if you don’t know what’s wrong with you. The people that know what’s wrong with you are the ones that dumped you,” said Montrupe. “Reach out to your exes and ask them what you should change and what you can do to be better and happier. Don’t just stop with recent exes either. Go back to high school because those people knew the real you. Maybe.”

Instead of crying while you masturbate, try laughing while you masturbate
“Self love is important and we all do it but if you are crying while you do it, like most of us do, that can carry over in to our non-masturbating times of the day,” said founder, Dan Splaim. “Instead of crying while masturbating try laughing. Think of funny things while you are going after it. Make a game of it. Laugh your head off. You know, maybe whack off to clown porn. And if you find yourself starting to cry slap yourself and yell ‘no tears, only laughs’ until you start laughing again. It works, trust me.”


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