HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello kiddies, it is I, Beth Sinclair, your humble insight into everything that’s hot. Now when I say hot, I don’t mean temperature wise, I mean I am the maven of everything that you guys should be doing/watching/eating/fucking. Speaking of temperatures, is it me or is it colder than a witch’s tit outside? Seriously, my nipples have been rock hard for a week now! Fortunately, the cold weather means that one thing is certain, and no, it is not that my herpes outbreak is back. I’m talking about the Fall TV Line up is about to begin! And let me tell you that this year has got me so excited that even if it weren’t cold, my nipples would be so hard they could cut the Hope Diamond!

WASHINGTON, DC – Riding both the highs and lows of landing two separate spacecraft on the surface of Mars, NASA announced this week that a manned expedition to the red planet will begin preparations later this year for lift off in 2006. To increase visibility and public support, several celebrities have been chosen to man the first mission to Mars.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Reality TV is about to get a whole lot more real. Over the past couple months, viewers have seen the Osbournes stir up trouble and say the word “fuck” a lot on MTV and this month Americas favorite fat-girl-gone-cute-girl-gone-super-rich-gone-super-fat-girl, Anna Nicole Smith debuts her own version of the reality TV show on E!. Oh what a great time to be alive!

WASHINGTON D.C. – The cast of popular MTV reality show “Real World: Washington D.C.” decided Thursday to again remove one of its members. The housemates have asked fellow member Pat Buchanan to leave the house on his own or he will be kicked out.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Just a week after the broadcast of the 73rd Academy Awards, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has announced big changes for next year’s Oscars ceremony. In an effort to appeal to a younger, hipper crowd, the Academy’s governing board has decided to give not only the Oscar Award itself a makeover, but also drastically change the format of the show and the categories.

MONTREAL, QC – Inspired by the recent opening of Disney’s California Adventure theme park, the Canadian Tourism Commission has unveiled plans for a Canadian themed amusement park. The park, located just north of Montreal will feature rides and exhibits highlighting the Canadian “way of life.”

GLASGOW, ENGLAND – In a demonstration of his intolerance for imperfection, renowned director Stanley Kubrick returned from the grave this week to “re-do the pile of dog shit that passed for my death scene.”

NEW YORK CITY – Just two days after announcing that it will drop its current and most successful ad campaign, Taco Bell has announced that the famous “Taco Bell Chihuahua” will be gone from commercials and promotions but will soon be even closer to America’s hearts.