LOS ANGELES, CA – In what scientists are describing as a “major life changing event,” nerds everywhere suffered a simultaneous “nerdgasm” when the movie “X-Men: The Last Stand” was released. The “nerdgasm” was triggered by a very intense scene between the characters of Wolverine, played by Hugh Jackman, and Jean Grey, played by Famke Jansen.

DES MOINES, IA – During a speech given to local farm workers, Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain laid out his plan for combating rising fuel costs. The main focus of McCain’s plan is to create more fossil fuels by burying various forms of organic material and waiting “til the magic happens.”

CHICAGO, IL – In a three year study that has just concluded, scientists at the University of Chicago have been testing the widely accepted theory that once you go black, you never go back.

WASHINGTON, DC – With no clear front-runner for the Republican Presidential candidate, several GOP members have called a back-up plan into action and have reanimated former President Ronald Reagan.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With Global Warming becoming the hot topic among television and radio talk show hosts, celebrities have begun using their massive political influence and scientific expertise to help protect and revive aspects of the environment.

WASINGTON, DC – The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a statement and simultaneously released a new warning system to track threats posed by skanks. The new system comes just weeks before the spring skank increase experienced annually in America’s warmer climates.

WASHINGTON, DC – Scientists in Washington, DC made a surprising discovery last month that has forced the world to reconsider its stance on global warming. What the scientist discovered appears to be a giant laser on the surface of Mars pointed directly at earth.

NORTHERN ISRAEL – With the war between Hezbollah and Israel stretching into another month of intense fighting, the Israel Defense Force is set to deploy a secret weapon – a highly trained strike force of Woody Allen clones.

ATLANTA, GA – In what is being called the worst epidemic since the SARS outbreak, the nations top scientists are desperately trying to curb the spread of a killer viral infection known as March Madness. The disease, which attacks the central nervous system, has killed 80,000 people across the country with an estimated 20 million people infected.

TUCSON, AZ – A report released last week by a research team at University of Arizona concluded that Country Music is terrible and should be avoided at all costs.