MODESTO, CA – Local Man Dennis Clarke has told his family, friends and neighbors that he’ll take down his fucking Christmas lights when he fucking feels like it.

TEHRAN, IRAN – The leaders of Iran have told US representatives that the snickers and smirks made by Iran officials during the signing of the nuclear agreement are part of an Iranian custom and not an indication that Iran will not adhere to the agreement.

“No, no, no. The smirk and… giggles as you call them, they were not made because we have no intention of meeting any of these agreements,” said Iran Nuclear Delegate, Masoud Fehrmanni.

SEATTLE, WA – As the FIFA Women’s World Cup winds down, Americans all across the country are getting ready to completely forget about women’s soccer.

This year, instead of making resolutions that are bound to fail, I’ve put together some life hacks that are easy to stick to and will make you a better person.

NORTH POLE – Several companies, including Apple and Mattel, have filed patent infringement lawsuits against Santa Claus.

The lawsuits claim that Claus is manufacturing and distributing toys that violate a number of patents. One toy cited in the lawsuit, Claus’s sPad, looks and functions very similar to Apple’s iPad.

I’m here today to give you my picks for the best vacation spots here in the good ol’ US of A.

BOULDER, CO – Snowboarders around the world are getting ready to pretend they are actual athletes as they prepare for next month’s Winter Olympics.

WASHINGTON, DC – The National Security Agency has stopped collecting American’s data after completely filling over 10,000 servers with “selfies.”

“As of last week, the NSA is no longer able to collect data due to the very large number of selfies that currently reside on the servers,” said NSA Director, Shawn Nossen.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Over the last several weeks television networks have started rolling out their Fall schedule.

FARGO, ND – Local man, Jesse Wright, is still listening to music by the band Linkin Park despite the fact that it is the year 2013.