SANTA FE, NM – Anthropologists are excited by recently discovered cave drawings that they say prove that the earliest inhabitants of North America were terrible artists.

SAN MATEO, CA – During Heather Freiberg’s birthday dinner, the girl at the end of the table gathered all the used plates and silverware in to easily moveable piles because she said she was once a server and “knows what it’s like.”

SAN JOSE, CA – Local Jewish boy James Kirkwood has been struggling to explain to his Christian friends why Hanukkah is better than Christmas.

PARKER, CO – Local high school football coach doesn’t like high school athlete Kyle McDavid for no apparent reason.

COLUMBUS, OH – Local woman Rachel Connors will spend the next several weeks mentally preparing herself for Thanksgiving dinner with her family.

ANAHEIM, CA – The Scoop News has gathered a number of Star Wars experts and identified eight The Force Awakens rumors that are likely to be probably true.

NEW YORK CITY – The travel magazine, Destination Awesome, has released its list of the top five 2015 Spring Break destinations.

RENO, NV – For the 1,093rd year in a row Jesus Christ has not received a birthday gift or a call on his birthday from his father.

DALLAS, TX – Local 10-year-old Jacob Entwhurst has informed his parents that he may have contracted Ebola that he should be quarantined for the next month.

CANTON, OH – Several former NFL stars gathered during a press conference earlier this week to announce a new lawsuit against the NFL “because… um… the concussions… and…”

“Players in the NFL face a very real threat to their health due to the NFL’s policies and practices regarding player safety,” said former Dallas Cowboys star running back, Emmitt Smith. “Players who take numerous… um… hits… and… uh… yeah. We… um.”