LOUISVILLE, KY – A Public Relations spokesman for KFC confirmed rumors that company scientists are working to genetically engineer an all-skin chicken for the fast food chain.

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple executives have confirmed that an iPhone has finally integrated itself with a human. iPhone and human integration is an unannounced feature that comes with the recently released iPhone 4S.

The integration feature, named iBorg, was used for the first time by James Maddow last week when he inadvertently hit the home button five consecutive times.

TUCSON, AZ – The lack of an iPad gift this year has proved to local seven-year-old Gracie Martinez that Jesus doesn’t exist and that there is no such thing as god.

NEW YORK, NY – A student at NYU has expressed disappointment regarding his “Occupy My Pants” party that occurred last weekend in the student’s dorm room.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Television actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas has landed the starring role in the next complete Hollywood meltdown.

DALLAS, TX – To increase gay awareness, gay rights groups including the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) have adopted “truck nuts” as a symbol of gay pride.

NEWARK, DELAWARE – In what is being described as a major coup, many prominent witches have given their endorsement to Delaware Senate hopeful, Christine O’Donnell.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Students at MIT have succeeded in building a robot with artificial intelligence capable of pressing an elevator button.

LONDON, ENGLAND – Faced with a public relations nightmare after an oil rig exploded killing 11 and causing millions of barrels of oil to leak into the Gulf of Mexico, BP has replaced its CEO with Buttons, a Black Labrador puppy.

The move comes only weeks after former CEO Tony Hayward stepped down following the Gulf of Mexico disaster. Hayward was replaced by Bob Dudley, who in turn has been replaced by Buttons.

VATICAN CITY – In an effort to prevent further molestation of young boys by priests in the Catholic Church, the Pope has announced a change to the way mass will be conducted. Young boys will no longer participate in mass and in their place priests will use young, attractive women.

“There willa be ah no morea alter boys inna the church,” said Cardinal Antonio Cassius of Italy.