CHICAGO, IL – Despite the gloomy forecast for this year’s holiday spending, Consumer Reports has unveiled its list of the eight hottest toys that are flying off shelves all over the country. The increased toy sales is expected to help kick start the economy, making this a fruitful season for everyone in the retail industry.

DETROIT, MI – In an effort to corner the market on a key demographic, Chrysler has announced the release of a new line of cars for middle-aged men, currently being called the Mid-Life Chrysler.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Following in the footsteps of Professional Boxing, the pornography industry will soon allow companies to sponsor actors and actresses. The Porn Actors Guild has OK’d the use of temporary tattoos on performers during filming of adult films.

NEW YORK, NY – With grocery stores and fast food restaurants catering to America’s new diet trend, a group of three New York models are marketing a new diet which the models say “will revolutionize weight loss as we know it.”

HELL – In an attempt to improve its image and promote a happier atmosphere, Hell has hired a new marketing firm and image consultant. Blake, Stein and Wills Marketing will take over all public relations and advertising for the underworld getaway in an effort to “bring back the luster and mystique that Hades deserves.”

TARRYTOWN, NY – Administrators for Marymount College have begun to build the framework of a new curriculum which the school hopes will provide its students with a better understanding of woman’s role in modern society.