FORT HANCOCK, TX – The Easter Bunny has been arrested and charged with drug trafficking after the conclusion of a three-year long sting operation conducted by a joint task force of Drug Enforcement Agency officials and Immigration and Naturalization Service officers.

TALLAHASSE, FL – Two children have retained legal council in an effort to reintroduce a water bottle into the cage of the children’s pet hamster Mr. Snugglebottoms. The parents of the two children removed the water bottle two days ago after declaring Mr. Snugglebottoms deceased.

WESTMINSTER, CO – During a conversation with friends, local teen Jared Gabriel announced that he had recently become involved with a teenage girl, from Canada. The relationship, which began while Gabriel was vacationing in Ottawa, is, according to Gabriel, full of passion, love and online chats.

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Just days after appearing in the desert outside of Tadmur, the alternate universe version of George W. Bush has taken control of Syria by an undisputed win in the countries general election held last week.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Online dating services can be a great way for the hopeless to find love. But how about an online video game? Flagstaff man Ben “Corky” Mandrake, a player of the popular online role-playing game Dungeons of Fantasy, became the first player in the game’s history to actually marry another player – within the game.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the debate about the future of Social Security reaching a boiling point, President Bush announced a new plan late last week that was immediately accepted by both parties.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – In an effort to assist a co-worker his sex life, secretary Jenny Hill offered relationship advice, despite the fact that she was not consulted. The advice, which included tips on how to “get her into the sack as soon as possible,” was initially ignored by the co-worker, forcing Hill to be more aggressive in her efforts to help.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Following in the footsteps of Professional Boxing, the pornography industry will soon allow companies to sponsor actors and actresses. The Porn Actors Guild has OK’d the use of temporary tattoos on performers during filming of adult films.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Amid several high profile “lapses in tasteful programming,” the FCC announced Tuesday that it will be tightening restrictions starting with this year’s batch of Holiday themed specials. The announcement comes just weeks after ABC’s use of a half naked women on Monday Night Football to advertise one of the channel’s other shows.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello kiddies, it is I, Beth Sinclair, your humble insight into everything that’s hot. Now when I say hot, I don’t mean temperature wise, I mean I am the maven of everything that you guys should be doing/watching/eating/fucking. Speaking of temperatures, is it me or is it colder than a witch’s tit outside? Seriously, my nipples have been rock hard for a week now! Fortunately, the cold weather means that one thing is certain, and no, it is not that my herpes outbreak is back. I’m talking about the Fall TV Line up is about to begin! And let me tell you that this year has got me so excited that even if it weren’t cold, my nipples would be so hard they could cut the Hope Diamond!