Local Man to Take a Break from Owning Libs

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Mike Rapide says he is going to take a break from constantly owning Libs.
Mike Rapide says he is going to take a break from constantly owning Libs.

PRESCOTT, AZ – A local Republican says he’s getting a bored “constantly owning all the libs” and is considering taking some time off to focus on himself.

“I probably don’t have to introduce myself ‘cus everyone knows who I am since I’m always ownin’ the libs,” said Mike Rapide. “Ask any libtard and they’ll tell ya I owned ‘em. I’ve been ownin’ the shit out of them snowflake libs for the years. I own the libs like the libs own electric cars. But you know, all of this lib owning… it’s really taken a lot out of me. It takes all of my time and I ain’t got time then for anything else.”

Rapide said he has been owning the libs all day, every day for the last six years – most recently by wearing a “let’s go brandon” sweatshirt and a “My Pronoun is Gun” hat in public. But lately, Rapide has noticed owning libs is taking more work and effort.

“Just last week I walked into the Birdcage Saloon in my Brandon shirt and my MAGA hat and my gun tucked into my belt, and I stood there in the doorway for a good five minutes before anyone even noticed me,” said Rapide. “And the person who noticed me wasn’t even a lib, she was just the hostess. Well, I mean she was probably a lib ‘cus her hair was purple, but she didn’t show no sign of being owned – she just asked if I needed a table.”

Although Rapide said he enjoys owning the libs, he thinks it might be time to do something else for awhile.

“Owning the libs ain’t easy. It’s fun as hell but it’s hard work,” said Rapide. “I get up around 9 (am), have myself a couple breakfast brews and get ready by pickin’ out the right shirt and hat for the day. That in and of itself is a chore because I have so many shirts that completely own libs – like my Tucson shirt. See, it’s kinda like a dictionary shirt where it gives the definition of ‘Tucson’ as ‘These Tucson of bitches need to be in jail,” and then it has a picture of Obama and Hillary. That’s one of my favorites but I only pull that one out for special occasions, like weddings and Christmas. It’s way too powerful for everyday wear.”

Rapide’s commitment to owning the libs has come at some personal cost as he’s lost his job and divorced his wife in recent years, in part to his dedication to owning the libs.

“I used to have a job but the libs that work there had me fired ‘cus they were sick of me constantly owning them,” said Rapide. “So once they fired me, I had a lot more time to own the libs, so I dedicated myself to that. Then my wife left me. Probably ‘cus I spent all my time ownin’ libs and not making any money. Or maybe it’s ‘cus I drink pretty much all day. Either way, when she left, I just had even more time to own libs.”

“He totally changed once that asshat Trump got elected,” said Rapide’s ex-wife, Tracey Billins. “I mean he had zero political opinions before that. I don’t know what switched in his brain, but I can tell you that it’s the main reason I divorced him. The thing is, he’s not even ‘owning’ anyone. (Rapide), like a lot of these assclowns, seriously think that saying ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ is triggering liberals, but really all it’s doing is showing the world that you’re a douche with a small penis. Seriously, fuck (Rapide) and fuck Trump.”

Rapide isn’t sure what he will do instead of owning libs but thinks he may try online multi-player videogames.

“I guy I know on Facebook said that on those online games you can be as racist and sexist and hateful as you want and it’s ok because everyone else is doin’ it. Sounds like a pretty great place, if you ask me,” said Rapide. “But I do need to make sure someone is ownin’ the damn libs. Those sissy libs with their transgender lovers and their, um abortions, the second you let up on them, they get bold and start talking about basic human rights… and we can’t have that.”


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