Easter Bunny Arrested For Drug Trafficking During Sting

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The Easter Bunny was arrested in Texas last month on drug trafficking charges.
The Easter Bunny was arrested in Texas last month on drug trafficking charges.

FORT HANCOCK, TX – The Easter Bunny has been arrested and charged with drug trafficking after the conclusion of a three-year long sting operation conducted by a joint task force of Drug Enforcement Agency officials and Immigration and Naturalization Service officers.

The arrest came late last month, just two days after Easter. Also arrested in the sting were 12 Mexican males, two American’s and one Border Patrol officer

“The Easter Bunny has been charged with Drug Trafficking and intent to distribute,” stated task force spokesman Larry Woten. “At the time of arrest, Mr. Bunny was in possession of 5,000 kilos of cocaine and 2,000 kilos of black tar heroin. The contraband was being smuggled in little plastic eggs, many of which where hidden in the yard of the home Mr. Bunny resides in here in Fort Hancock.”

According to police reports, Bunny has been transporting drugs across the Mexican-American border for 27 years. The arrest is being hailed as one of the most important drug busts in the last 50 years.

“Everyone in the agency knew that fuzzy bastard was bringing dope into the country, it just took a little while to catch him,” said DEA Lead Investigator Gerry Peniot. “The big break was last year when the dumbshit left a bunch of those coke-filled eggs in the yard of a Denver family. Apparently he mixed up his bags. Can you image the look of surprise on the Dad’s face when he six-year-old stared foaming at the mouth because he just ate a handful of speed thinking it was sugar? Or the drug addicts face as he opened his egg to find a chocolate bunny? Both would have been great to see. Kids on drugs and Junkies on Chocolate is always funny. Always.”

Children across the country have been surprised by the news, questioning both the validity of the arrest and the circumstances surrounding it.

“I know no Easter Bunny do bad things. He good and soft. Once he bring me a candy bar and eat it. Easter bunny good bunny. Not Bad,” said three-year-old Patricia Anton. “I wuv da Easter Bunny.”

Many parents are less surprised by the news citing facts that seem to point towards Bunny’s guilt.

“Look, the guy hops around the country in one night hiding shit in peoples yards. How many straight shooters that you know do that?” said Steve Campbell, father of three. “I mean, my brother is totally fucked up on meth all the time and he is always hiding his shit because he’s so gorked and paranoid that someone will find it and take it. And the Easter Bunny goes across the entire country in a single night. You have to be high in order to maintain that level of energy. I mean always suspected Santa of running drugs but I always knew the Easter Bunny was. Normal bunnies just don’t act like that.”

Bunny will be arraigned on his charges later this week and a court date will be set for early May. Bunny’s bail has been set at four million dollars.


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