QUEENS, NY – Local 11-year-old Christian, Bradly Mickleson, wishes he was Jewish so he could celebrate Hanukah and receive gifts for eight consecutive days.

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – As the blood shed continues in Syria, experts on Middle East politics have begun to identify a number of possible reasons for the escalation in violence.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Excitement is building as several new television shows are set to debut in the next several weeks as networks kick off their new fall schedule.

ARLINGTON, VA – A local man has admitted that he is responsible for a string of recent natural disasters on the East Coast.

Shawn “Tibby” Clarke says that several natural disasters have occurred almost immediately after his failure to keep promises he made to God.

“Yeah man, I’m sho dat earthquake ‘n hurricane bullshit that all went down last month was my fault,” said Clarke.

TOKYO, JAPAN – In an effort to avoid further public outcry, Godzilla held a press conference earlier this week to deny any involvement in the recent Japanese earthquakes and tsunamis.

“In the weeks since the disaster, my name has been thrown out a lot as being responsible for this terrible, terrible disaster,” said Godzilla.

BLOOMINGTON, IN – In recent weeks local college freshman Gwen Upshall has really gotten into Buddhism.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Vampire Americans, upset with the way vampires have been portrayed in the media, are calling for a boycott of all vampire movies, books and TV shows released now and in the future as well as anything released in the last five years.

IRVING, TEXAS – The Boy Scouts of America have retired two merit badges the organization has deemed “impossible to obtain.” The badges to be removed from availability are the Talking to Girls and Popular merit badges.

FORT HANCOCK, TX – The Easter Bunny has been arrested and charged with drug trafficking after the conclusion of a three-year long sting operation conducted by a joint task force of Drug Enforcement Agency officials and Immigration and Naturalization Service officers.

BAGHBAD, IRAQ – With the deadline to transfer control of Iraq looming closer, President George W. Bush told the United Nations on June 15 that a suitable new Government has finally been found.