BOSTON, MA – A party held to watch a NASCAR event ended after only 15 minutes when beer ran out and party goers realized the sport amounted to nothing more than driving in a circle.

BOISE, ID – For the fifth straight year, Robert Winslow’s New Year’s resolution has not lasted past the first minute of the New Year. This year’s resolution, a vow not to call his mother-in-law Tasha Dogone a “stupid, dirty whore,” was broken in 42 seconds.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With the worldwide success of the movie Slumdog Millionaire, old white people all over America are being reminded how lucky it is that they are white.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced last week the government’s plan to bailout the struggling Lehman brothers, Jim and Hank, of Baltimore, MD. The Lehman brothers have found themselves in economic trouble after two years of extravagant living, causing the government to sit up and take action before the Lehman brother’s assets are liquidated.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the race for the Democratic nomination yielding no clear victor after months of debates and primaries, the Democratic Party officials have decided the Presidential nomination will go to the winner of a “your momma” battle.

CLEVELAND, OH – As forecloses continue to haunt the housing market, a sharp rise in cardboard box prices is making it even more difficult for families to find a place to call home.

WITCHITA, KS – Although the football season is almost half over, McGearson High School cheerleader Breanna Winnik has yet to decide which football player she will sleep with first.

ATLANTA, GA – In what many are calling “a gathering of the greatest minds of today,” several well known rappers have been gathered in hopes of establishing a new vocabulary, and more importantly a new set of slang.

WASHINGTON, DC – Scientists in Washington, DC made a surprising discovery last month that has forced the world to reconsider its stance on global warming. What the scientist discovered appears to be a giant laser on the surface of Mars pointed directly at earth.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Whether celebrities fly to Africa and Asia to get one or simply make one the old fashioned way, it’s clear that this fall’s hot, new fashion accessory is a baby. Babies are popping up all over the place in the arms of celebrities and socialites driving demand for babies and baby accessories through the roof.